In a groundbreaking paper just published in the Journal of Eschatological Speculation & Snack Table Logistics, Dr. Nathaniel Arkadius, an Adventist mathematician from Southern Adventist University, has revealed his precise calculation for the timing of the Second Coming: “soonish.”
Using cutting-edge algorithms, spreadsheets dating back to the 1844 Great Disappointment, and an Excel plugin called The Prophet’s Equation Solver, Arkadius arrived at the final result after ten straight days of fasting on Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. His analysis narrowed down the event to within a margin of error of plus or minus 1,000 years.
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“This represents a major breakthrough for Adventist time-setting,” said Arkadius in a press release. “For the first time, we can say with academic certainty that the Lord’s return is both imminent and anywhere from absolutely immediate to basically when my great-great-great-x10 grandkids are around.”
The General Conference immediately issued a 47-page clarification memo, reminding members that while such calculations were “deeply unhelpful,” they would be preserved in denominational archives for future use if needed.
Church members expressed frustration that after almost two centuries of confusion, they finally had a date range that was both “urgent” and “so broad it basically cancels itself out.” One deacon summed it up: “It’s better than Harold Camping, but not by much.”
