WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump delivered a fiery briefing to NATO officials today, warning that Europe’s “iron and clay feet” are completely incapable of defending Greenland.
“Look, I love Europe — great people, some very good-looking people, fantastic cheese, beautiful castles, amazing golf courses — truly the best — but these feet? Iron and clay? Total disaster. No way, no how you defend Greenland with those feet. It’s a mess. Believe me,” Trump said, pointing at an invisible statue that he insisted represented the continent.
Trump repeatedly emphasized the importance of Daniel 2. “Read it! Read your Bible! Very simple, very obvious. Mixed materials — iron and clay — they crumble! They fall apart! You try defending frozen land with clay? Come on. It’s not gonna happen. Only solid gold can hold up, folks. Only gold. Everyone knows it.”
He told NATO officials to reconsider their entire approach to defense. “You may have brilliant people — really brilliant, fantastic people — but even the best? Can’t make clay stick to ice. Biden tried. Impossible. The Bible tells you. Statues tell you. History tells you. Everybody tells you.”
NATO staff were left consulting diagrams, whispering to one another, and quietly Googling “Daniel 2 prophecy,” while Trump continued to riff on Europe’s “virtues.” “I love your trains — the fastest trains, everyone says they’re great — and the chocolate, the best chocolate, tremendous chocolate. Your soccer stadiums — huge, beautiful, unbelievable. Terrific people, really terrific. But these feet? Sorry. They can’t protect anything, especially not Greenland. Total disaster. Very sad.”
At press time, Trump reassured reporters that solid gold is the only solution, repeating, “Gold is the only way to win at ice. Very obvious. Very obvious.”
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