SILVER SPRING, MD — Chaos erupted outside the General Conference headquarters this morning after GC officials “opened fire” on anti-carob demonstrators, soaking them thoroughly with water guns in what insiders are calling the most aggressive denominational response since the last potluck feedback survey.
The demonstrators, carrying signs reading “Carob Is Not Chocolate” and “Stop Lying to the Children”, gathered to protest what they describe as the church’s “systematic substitution of joy with legumes.” Several protesters reported being raised on carob chips under the false promise that “you’ll get used to it.”
GC officials say they initially attempted dialogue.
“We listened,” said one administrator while pumping a bright blue Super Soaker. “But when the crowd began chanting that carob is ‘a moral failure,’ we knew things were escalating.”
Witnesses report GC staff emerging in calm, orderly rows, wearing dress shoes wholly incompatible with crowd control, and unleashing a sustained but gentle spray of water. Protesters were left drenched, reflective, and emotionally transported back to Pathfinder camporees where disappointment was first introduced via dessert.
One soaked demonstrator stood firm. “This proves our point,” they said. “They’re still refusing to admit carob was never okay.”
In an official statement, GC leadership clarified the action was “symbolic, nonviolent, and not a theological endorsement of chocolate alternatives.”
“We affirm personal conviction,” the statement read, “but we also affirm that carob had a season — and that season has passed.”
At press time, demonstrators were last seen drying off and quietly accepting brownies of an unspecified origin.
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