Adventist Singles Event Ends Early As Participants Realize They’re All Cousins

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HOPE SPRINGS, CA — What was meant to be a weekend of spiritual growth and potential matchmaking for Adventist singles turned into an awkward family reunion on Saturday night at the picturesque Camp Wawona.

The “Equally Yoked” singles retreat, organized by the Pacific Union Conference, came to an abrupt halt when attendees discovered they were all related to each other in some way.

“I was having a great conversation with this cute guy named Josh,” said Sarah Johnson, 28. “But then we realized we had the same great-grandparents. Talk about a mood killer.”

The revelation came during an icebreaker activity where participants were asked to share their family trees. As names were exchanged, a collective groan of recognition swept through the room.

Pastor Bob Friendzone, the retreat organizer, tried to put a positive spin on the situation. “Well, at least we know everyone here has good Adventist roots!” he chuckled nervously.

Some attendees attempted to calculate the degree of cousinship, hoping for a loophole. “Third cousins twice removed is still okay, right?” asked a hopeful Mark Veggieman, 35.

The retreat was officially called off Sunday morning after an emergency meeting of the conference committee. Attendees were offered a full refund and a complimentary copy of “Finding Non-Related Adventists: A Guide to Expanding Your Dating Pool.”

In response to the incident, the General Conference has announced plans to create a global Adventist genealogy database to prevent similar occurrences in the future. Until then, singles are advised to thoroughly vet potential partners’ family histories before pursuing a relationship.

As the disappointed singles packed up to leave, one attendee was overheard muttering, “I guess when they said ‘we’re all brothers and sisters in Christ,’ they meant it literally.”


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