PORTLAND, Ore. — Chuck Matthews, 75, says he’s been a Christian since he was a child but that his recent conversion to Adventism has worked wonders for his sleep. “I converted mostly because of the biblical truths I discovered, but I gotta say that what first drew me in was the way 3ABN put me to sleep every night without fail within 20 minutes of turning it on. It has literally cured me of insomnia!”
Matthews doesn’t limit his praise of Adventism to television programming, however. “When I started going to Adventist churches I noticed that there are so many precious opportunities to nap,” he said, his eyes lighting up with grateful excitement.
“I start with a little catnap during the pastoral prayer. I then wait out interruptions like offering before passing out midway through special music. I am always completely gone by the time the preacher makes it onstage. I will never be the same again!”
Matthews admits that even within Adventism he’s had to shop around a little for the right fit in a church. “I don’t go to those crazy contemporary services with the drums. I even stay away from churches with excitable organists… kinda kills the mood when things get too sparky.”
He added that he never raises his hands or claps in worship. “It gets my circulation going too much. I did this once when I was still new and I couldn’t get to sleep for the entire service. It was agony.”
For those who would like to follow his example, Matthews warns against bringing in sleep masks to church. “It just sends the wrong message. I just bow my head, rest my elbows on my knees and prop my face up with my hands. It passes for prayer.”
For those needing a little extra help going to sleep in public, Matthews advocates a careful reading of church bulletin announcements before memorizing the index of the hymnal.
“I recommend Adventism to everyone I meet,” said Matthews. “No matter where you go in the world, you will always find a home in one huge, sleepy family.”