666th finisher in GC fun run regrets not running faster

SAN ANTONIO, Texas --- "I really should have pushed myself more," admitted a winded Julio Lentisimo at the finishing line of Sunday's GC San Antonio 5K fun run.  Although Lentisimo had disciplined Read more [...]
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Mafia delegation praises elimination of secret electronic vote at GC San Antonio

UPDATE (factual and not at all satirical): About 2 hours after the satirical story below was published, the decision was made to completely scrap electronic voting at GC San Antonio. Here's a link Read more [...]
Posted in San Antonio 2015 General Conference Session | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

GC San Antonio 4th of July Sabbath attendance swells to 144,000

BREAKING NEWS SAN ANTONIO, Texas --- Attendance on the first Sabbath of the San Antonio-based General Conference Session has surpassed even the most ambitious expectations and is now hovering Read more [...]
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GC Session Twitter image invites flood of marriage equality compliments

SAN ANTONIO, Texas --- General Conference Session communications officials have called a series of emergency meetings after what spokesperson Abe Livious called "a torrent of confusing compliments Read more [...]
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San Antonio declared Blue Zone as Adventist centenarians arrive for General Conference

SAN ANTONIO, Texas --- A team of National Geographic reporters has declared San Antonio a Blue Zone as scores of centenarians have descended upon the city for the Seventh-day Adventist Church's Read more [...]
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San Antonio mayor declares city meat-free zone during GC Session

SAN ANTONIO, Texas --- "I realize this will be an adjustment," said San Antonio Mayor Ivy Taylor, announcing to local reporters that she was declaring San Antonio a meat-free zone for the period Read more [...]
Posted in Vegetarianism, Worthington | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Adventist denomination opens sports bar next to world headquarters

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- With decisions about future policy looming, there’s one thing General Conference officials can agree about: building The Fellowship Hall, a unique Adventist “sports Read more [...]
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