Keto Enthusiast Shuns Communion, Citing Carb Concerns

Avid keto enthusiast and devout Adventist, Doug Atkins, took a pass on communion last Sabbath, citing his commitment to the low-carb lifestyle. “I just couldn’t do it,” confessed Atkins, a Read more […]

Member Who Brought Actual Chicken to Church Potluck Suddenly VIP

At Eden Springs Adventist Church’s potluck, local church pianist Kay F Cee’s decision to break the vegetarian tradition by bringing actual chicken won her a lot of friends this Sabbath. As Read more […]

Absolutely Nobody Felt Like Learning New Praise Song

“Good morning CHURCH!! We’ve got a real treat for you this morning. It’s a brand new song we’re going to learn! Can I have an Amen?” yelled an overexcited Ben Hilson as he took to the Read more […]

LA Adventist Preps Escape to Hollywood Hills for Time of Trouble

Harold Pendergast III, a prominent Los Angeles-based oral surgeon has announced to his local Adventist congregation that he isn’t just waiting around for the Time of Trouble: he is finalizing Read more […]

Next GC Session Entirely Dedicated To Generating List of Sabbath-Approved Cartoons

The next General Conference Session promises to be a nail-biter. Forget about pronouncements on women’s ordination or eschatological debates. This time, the minds at the GC are laser-focused on Read more […]

Pastors Forbidden From Driving “Politically Polarizing” Priuses or Pickups During Election Season

The North American Division has instructed all Adventist pastors in the United States to stop driving “politically polarizing” Toyota Prius cars or pickups during election season to avoid being Read more […]

GC: Adventist Coffee Tables Must Be Renamed Hot Chocolate Tables

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has declared a radical rebranding of every Adventist coffee table across the globe. Say goodbye to those nefarious furniture pieces, because, starting Read more […]

White Estate Ditches Plans to Make EGW Smile in Historic Photos After Kate Middleton Fiasco

The Ellen G. White Estate has called off its mission to plaster a grin on Adventist cofounder Ellen White’s face in photographs. The sudden change of heart follows the uproar caused by Princess Read more […]

Pioneer Memorial Church Switching Out Sermons for Memes

Berrien Springs, Mich. – Pioneer Memorial Church just dropped the hottest theological take of the year: replacing sermons with dank Christian memes. That’s right, folks. Instead of the usual Read more […]

Doug Batchelor Defends New Hair

// Post by Doug Batchelor. GRANITE BAY, Calif. — “My new hair is not at all a religious statement,” said Amazing Facts evangelist, Doug Batchelor at a press conference today. “During Read more […]