Elmshaven Closes as EGW’s Descendants Move Back In
ST. HELENA, Calif. — Tours of Elmshaven, Adventist co-founder Ellen White’s Northern Californian home, have been scrapped due to new occupants moving in. At the time of publishing, Read more […]
Desperate Adventist Prays For Deliverance From All-Night Prayer Meeting
HARD LUCK, Mich. — Half-asleep, Joe Cansadisimo is sending up a desperate prayer for deliverance as his local congregation’s prayer meeting continues to hold strong at 11:34 PM. T’he Read more […]
Share this:
Major Donors Confirm It’s Time For New Fundamental Belief
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Major donors to the General Conference have let their appointees know it’s high time they came up with new material for the Adventist creed collection. “It’s been a Read more […]
Share this:
iPhone 14 Updates Your Mother On Your Progress Finding Nice Adventist Date
Good news! Thanks to the wonders of over-priced technology, you mom will no longer need to ask you if you’ve found that special Adventist somebody. The iPhone 14 will simply send her a weekly Read more […]
Share this:
Adventist Anti-Drum Lobby Solves Dilemma By Removing Hearing Aids
ADVENTIST WORLD — Anti-drum activists in the Adventist Church have finally decided to lay down their arms and solve the percussion problem that has driven them crazy since the start of the 1990s Read more […]
Share this:
La Sierra Launches In-N-Out Secret Menu Major
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Never unwilling to push the boundaries of Adventist higher education, La Sierra University announced In-N-Out Secret Menu Studies as the latest addition to their degree offerings. As Read more […]
Share this:
Biden Forgives $1M in Unpaid Parking Tickets at Adventist Colleges
UNITED STATES — Adventist college students breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the Biden administration announced unpaid parking tickets incurred at any of the denomination’s college Read more […]
Share this:
Last Generation Theologian Frustrated He’s Only 99% Perfect
BUTTONED UP, Tenn. — Last Generation theologian, Solo Opera, took a break from his prophetic timeline charts this afternoon, to take a 30-minute standardized holiness test. Opera was hugely Read more […]
Share this:
Local Church Bachelor Claims He is Too Pretty to Step Down as Greeter
VANITYVILLE, Calif. — Joe Shmugh has notified his local congregation’s nominating committee that there is “no way this side of eternity” he is stepping down from his “vital role” as Read more […]
Share this:
Department of Witch-Hunting Established at GC
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to increase compliance across the denomination, the General Conference has established the Department of Witch-Hunting whose staff were ordered to immediately Read more […]
