Adventist suffers neck pain from unequal yoking to smarter wife

LOS ANGELES, Calif. --- An Adventist man was taken to the emergency room of East Los Angeles-based White Memorial Medical Center this morning with neck pain that he claimed had been building up Read more [...]
Posted in Adventist Men, Marriage | Tagged | 24 Comments

Trump cheers “terrific” Brexit, wants to invest in Newbold College

BERKSHIRE, England --- In a surprise visit hours before arriving in Scotland for the opening of the Trump Turnberry golf resort, Donald Trump toured the campus of Newbold College. Standing Read more [...]
Posted in Newbold College, Prophecy | Tagged , , | 22 Comments

Brexit sends rolling stone crashing into Nebuchadnezzar’s feet

LONDON, United Kingdom --- Already well-known for its Rolling Stones, the United Kingdom aimed a devastatingly effective projectile straight at the fragile feet of Nebuchadnezzar's statue yesterday, Read more [...]
Posted in Prophecy | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

Loma Linda 112-year-old starts TarryNot dating site for centenarian Adventists

LOMA LINDA, Calif. --- Recognizing the big bucks to be made in ultra-niche online dating dating sites, Loma Linda centenarian Edith Greenely has taken a break from her day job of self-defense Read more [...]
Posted in Centenarians, Courtship, Dating | Tagged , | 11 Comments

Ted Wilson to fight Manny Pacquiao for ADRA fundraising event

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In the first event of its kind, Ted Wilson, president of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, will fight boxing superstar and Filipino congressman Manny Pacquaio in Manila. Read more [...]
Posted in Adventist Culture, Ted Wilson | Tagged , , | 20 Comments

GC allows Adventists to see ‘nature video’ Finding Dory in theaters

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In a special dispensation forĀ fans desperate to see Pixar's new release, Finding Dory, General Conference officials have opted to allow Seventh-day Adventists to see the Read more [...]
Posted in Adventist entertainment, Theater | Tagged , , | 19 Comments

Haystacks revealed as reason Seventh-day Adventists live longer

BALTIMORE, Md. --- A study into the secrets of longevity among Seventh-day Adventists has at last revealed the reason they often live 10 years longer than the average American. The secret appears Read more [...]
Posted in Centenarians, Haystacks | Tagged , | 8 Comments

MTV relaunches ‘Cribs’ with tour of Southern Asia-Pacific Division of Seventh-day Adventists

NEW YORK, N.Y. --- MTV has announced plans to relaunch "Cribs," the much-loved show which flaunted the incredible residences of rich celebrities. The first new episode will feature a building Read more [...]
Posted in Offerings, Stewardship, Tithes | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Adventist with zero spiritual gifts banished to potluck dishwashing duty

CHICO, Calif. --- Sondage Mauvais of Chico Seventh-day Adventist Church was notified this week that due to the horrible scores on his spiritual gifts test, he has been assigned to doing the dishes Read more [...]
Posted in Potluck | Tagged , | 8 Comments