General Conference bans church board meetings, claims they delay Second Coming

never again...
never again…

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has banned local church board meetings across the denomination after its own biblical researchers blamed the meetings for “delaying the Second Coming.”

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“Although we as Adventists know from bitter experience that nobody knows the day or the hour of the Second Coming, we also believe we shouldn’t be dragging our feet about sharing the Gospel,” said GC Director of Red Tape Creation Ekks Cohm. “Local church board meetings have been a complete waste of time since the day they were created and they are slowing our efforts to hasten the Second Coming.”

Cohm said that Adventists pastors around the world had received instructions to disband their church board meetings immediately. “Use the time and resources saved to share your testimony — or at least introduce an unchurched friend to Special K Loaf.”

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  1. richard mills

    Hooray for the GC ruling to ban all church board meetings. They are a waste of time. Nuttin’ gets done. Usually there are hard feelins’ when all is said & done. Too much petty stuff. No substance. If one or two board members have plenty of dough, things happen. Pastors should have anger management training, not try to be little dictators.
    The Second Coming might have happened a long time ago if CB were used as an evangelistic tool instead of who are we gonna drop from membership this month? Truly, Woe iz me!!

    • Clay

      Do we as humans really have the power to “delay” any of God’s plans??
      Get real. we are the clay, the pawn, the actors in the this world. We have no control at all of what wishes to do.

  2. Is the GC Director of Red Tape Creation, “Ekks Cohm,” on the GC EXCOM Executive Committee? Has the GC ever studied the impact of the ExCom meetings on the Second Coming? Shouldn’t the ExCom members be out on the street handing out Little Debbie’s snack cakes to introduce the world to the Health Message?

  3. Ekks Cohm

    Sevvy, this report is mistaken. What we actually announced is that Church “Bored” meetings are banned. If you don’t know what “bored meetings” are, just ask around. Anyone from the janitor to the youth pastor should be able to explain it.

    Regular board meetings are free to continue for now, as long as they are conducted with all participants standing, with no chairs in the room. Experience has shown that this chairless plan tends to speed up the meetings considerably.

  4. Willard Nelson

    Some of the nicest people I ever knew were atheist co-workers. And some of the meanest people I ever met are church-goers, especially on the church board. The Elks Club, Rotary Club, Chamber of Commerce, etc. are full of nice, polite, reasonable people. But church board meetings are full of petty 2-year old whiners in adult bodies. They practically sound like Donald Dump with his mouth full of childish insults. It’s almost like you have to go to secular civic clubs or to meet nice people nowadays. Go figure. What’s the world coming to? Or what’s the church coming to?

  5. Beyonce Knows

    I agree, but I’m not gonna post any comment about this. I am on a “social media fast,” and I specifically gave up commenting on this site, which is quite addictive. Pray for me.

  6. Ryan Belt

    I don’t recall a single church board meeting in the Bible. The GC is right; get rid of them. If church people would spend half as much time telling the Good News as they do bickering about trivia, they might actually win a soul to Christ.

  7. Elisha's Bears

    Adventism itself has delayed the Second Coming.

    With all the intricate details of all its numerous prophetic charts to fulfill and occur in precise detail and exact order, God is having a hard time getting them to happen just the right way.

    He has loyalty to his end time people who “have the truth” and would hate for anyone to stumble and fall because they found out the one true church of all time had any errors and flaws.

  8. Ray Kraft

    Church Board Meetings have been delaying the Second Coming every year since 1844, and there are some scholars who think the real meaning of the “144,000” is that Church Board Meetings will delay the Second Coming by 144,000 years.

  9. 7Upper

    Board members now should be transferred to the Eye in the Sky Early Jesus Warning System (ESJWS) so faithful SDAs can receive early notice of probation closure to increase their chances for heaven via last second confessions.

  10. Joy Elliott

    I think this is stupid. Jesus will return when He is ready, board meetings or not, and nothing or no-one will delay this stupendous event. We have to have board meetings to ensure church business is done properly, but we also have to be ready for Jesus when He returns.

  11. Clyde Severance

    This comedy is out of place on a day when the country is mourning the loss of 50 or more victims of the terror attack in Florida. Even President Øbama admitted it was an act of terror, and the gunman called 911 to pledge allegiance to ISIS. Further, ISIS claimed responsibility. This is a day to face sober realities and pray for the families. This website should have waited until the next day, to post funny stuff. It’s just not appropriate today.

  12. Martin Nicemuller

    I saw extremely rude comments on a mainstream news site, where some comments did not care about the Orlando attack due to the type of club that it was. It reminds me of how some people reacted to the Nazi attacks:

    “First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
    Because I was not a Socialist.

    Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
    Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

    Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
    Because I was not a Jew.

    Then they came for the gays, and I did not speak out—
    Because I was not gay.

    Then they came for me—
    and there was no one left to speak up for me.”

  13. Soyagen Milk

    I have to agree with this ruling. We all know how these meetings go. The dusty old board chair is brought out and placed at the table to preside, meanwhile the members hope it has recently been sanded so at to prevent splinters. The secretary sits there taking the minutes as the clock ticks them away, one at a time. Motions are made, but motion doesn’t always indicate the presence of life. Proposals are submitted and rejected, but since jewelry is unacceptable, there are no diamonds to go with the proposals. Lunch is stacks, and everyone gets excited until they realize it is stacks of paperwork. In the end, adjournment of the proceedings is called by the splintered old chair, seconded and moved by the entire board, which is then taken back to the kitchen and placed back in the cabinet with the newer plastic boards. Being on the cutting edge of cutting boards doesn’t ease the pain or prevent the scars inflicted by the cutlery committee.

    • Joy Elliott

      Not all board meetings are as the ones you describe above. Ours are very businesslike and productive, I’m thankful to say. As Church Clerk I take the Minutes myself and distribute them to Board members, and everything is done in a proper and civilised way. I’m glad I don’t belong to your church if your comments are anything to go by!

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