SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has banned local church board meetings across the denomination after its own biblical researchers blamed the meetings for "delaying the Second Coming."
"Although we as Adventists know from bitter experience that nobody knows the day or the hour of the Second Coming, we also believe we shouldn't be dragging our feet about sharing the Gospel," said GC Director of Red Tape Creation Ekks Cohm. "Local church board meetings have been a complete waste of time since the day they were created and they are slowing our efforts to hasten the Second Coming."
Cohm said that Adventists pastors around the world had received instructions to disband their church board meetings immediately. "Use the time and resources saved to share your testimony --- or at least introduce an unchurched friend to Special K Loaf."