“United in Sexism” slogan approved by massive majority at Annual Council

SILVER SPRING, Md. — “United in Sexism,” the new slogan for the Seventh-day Adventist Church, was voted in by a massive majority at the denomination’s Annual Council Tuesday. Due for rollout Read more […]

Ben Carson banned from Adventist locker rooms after defending Trump’s lewdness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytz_eMPSf8Y SILVER SPRING, Md. — The North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists issued a rare locker room ban this morning. Ben Carson, former neurosurgeon Read more […]

Adventist evangelists ordered to stop using revolving doors to boost baptismal tallies

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a push to retain new members, the Adventist Church has ordered its evangelists to stop using revolving doors in campaigns held around the world. While prized the Read more […]

Confused Annual Council leaders Google “What is gender equality?”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Despite busy daily agendas Adventist leaders attending the Annual Council meetings at the General Conference headquarters of the church have dutifully filled downtime with Read more […]

Email blast begs members not to encourage preacher to take his time

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — An urgent email blast was sent out to members of Berrien Lane Church this morning imploring members not to encourage this Sabbath’s divine service speaker to “take his time.” Church Read more […]

Adventist Annual Council recognizes Spectrum Magazine for “fair and unbiased reporting”

Silver Spring, Md. — World leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church paused for a quick ceremony to recognize Spectrum Magazine’s contribution to Adventist journalism today. Annual Council Read more […]

Mel Gibson awarded honorary Adventist membership for directing ‘Hacksaw Ridge’

  HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Famed actor and director, Mel Gibson is officially the first person to be awarded honorary membership by the Seventh-day Adventist Church. Although church leaders Read more […]

GC’s Annual Council sets Guiness World Record for Biggest Vegetarian Sausage Fest

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Annual Council started with a bang as the yearly church business meeting set a Guiness World Record on the first day. Months of painstaking planning with CHIP-approved Read more […]