Adventist author receives prize for inventing 99% of modern Illuminati conspiracy theories

ROME, Italy — An Adventist writer has been honored at the annual Paranoid Fiction Awards ceremony. Trei Angel, a third generation Adventist with a sharp eye and an ability to “read the Illuminati’s Read more […]

Dan Jackson kidnapped, held at undisclosed GC location

SILVER SPRING, Md. — North American Division President Dan Jackson went missing from work today after an early morning meeting. Initially NAD staff were not concerned, but after a couple of hours Read more […]

Adventist Church: Phones that ring in services to be confiscated as offering

SILVER SPRING, Md. — If Adventists ever needed a good reason not to bring their phones to church, here’s one: If your cell phone rings in an Adventist Church from this coming Sabbath onward, Read more […]

Adventists reminded they can never predict how long a sermon will last

WORLDWIDE — This Sabbath, Seventh-day Adventists around the world reminded each other that while it was natural to hope their pastors would end their sermons soon, it was a very bad idea to Read more […]

Pathfinders taught to light campfires with a Samsung Note 7

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Pathfinders around the world are being offered what leadership calls “lessons in modern fire-starting.” Instead of learning traditional rules about how best to construct Read more […]

Ted Wilson: “I seriously regret encouraging TMI”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an emotional press conference this morning, General Conference President Ted Wilson spoke to reporters about the biggest regret of his time in office so far. “I seriously Read more […]

OBG – SLIDESHOW: Awkward Adventist moments

Check out what we dug out from the archives 🙂 Awkwardness happens to all Adventists. That doesn’t make it any less painful when it happens to you… Advertise on BarelyAdventist SPONSORED Read more […]

GC hacks Starbucks’ servers to catch Adventist account holders

SILVER SPRING, Md. — According to documents leaked this morning, a determined team of General Conference hackers has succeeded in downloading all names from Starbucks Rewards customer loyalty Read more […]

AV booth newbie hospitalized after pastor’s Sabbath death glare

CHICO, Calif.— Esplanade Seventh-day Adventist Church members have flocked to visit a fellow member who was hospitalized shortly after church yesterday. Phied Bach, an AV booth volunteer, Read more […]