Bad Driver’s Guardian Angel On Stress Leave
HEAVEN — After enduring several traffic close calls this week due to the horrendous driving of his 25-year-old protectee, guardian angel Passencius filed for stress leave this morning. “Brad Read more […]
Category: Great Disappointment
Most Segregated Institution In America Condemns Racism
The wealthiest, most powerful nation in the world is reeling from the fatal results of systemic racism. As Americans grieve the latest atrocities, the most segregated institution in the country Read more […]
Share this:
Undecorated Adventist Homes Prove Great Disappointment To Trick-Or-Treaters
WORLDWIDE — Children going trick-or-treating this year have reported “great disappointment” with Adventist homes in their neighborhoods. Many of the offending families have not bothered to Read more […]
Share this:
AV Guy Lacks Spiritual Gift Of Song Service Slide Advancement
Tone Deaf, Mich. — Joyful Noise Adventist Church members are at a loss as to what to do with their AV guy, Han Sauver, who has yet to get through a single service without forgetting to advance Read more […]
Share this:
Loma Linda Announces Degree In Last Chance Courtship
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Loma Linda University has announced a degree in Last Chance Courtship that allows students to do nothing but walk around campus flirting with medical students for four years. Read more […]
Share this:
Security experts warn Adventists to stop using 1844 for their PIN numbers
SECURITY UPDATE SILVER SPRING, Md. — Security experts at Adventist Risk Management have warned Adventists using 1844 as their PIN number that they are exposing themselves to huge risks. “If Read more […]
Share this:
GC buys blackout drapes to avoid receiving more light
Silver Spring, Md. — A bulk order of discount blackout drapes was installed in every window of the General Conference offices today. The drapes were fitted carefully to prevent world leaders Read more […]
Share this:
Report: 99% of Adventists have permanently fractured funny bones
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — A worldwide study of Adventists has found that 99% of Adventists suffered from permanently fractured funny bones. “The fracture means that Adventists are almost never Read more […]
Share this:
Adventists reminded they can never predict how long a sermon will last
WORLDWIDE — This Sabbath, Seventh-day Adventists around the world reminded each other that while it was natural to hope their pastors would end their sermons soon, it was a very bad idea to Read more […]
Share this:
The General Conference promises your guardian angel will watch this film with you
https://youtu.be/s_NmeOPoBeI SILVER SPRING, Md. — For the first time in Seventh-day Adventist history, General Conference leaders have promised church members that their guardian angels will Read more […]
