Underpaid Church Employee Sick of Hearing His Treasure is in Heaven

Timothy, who has faithfully served as the church’s youth pastor for over a decade, is now lamenting his earthly situation and wishing for some tangible benefits to go along with his eternal rewards. “I Read more […]

Republican Adventists Declare Second Great Disappointment

RED AMERICA – After a longed for mid-term red wave failed to materialize, Republican Adventists have likened the letdown to a “Second Great Disappointment.” “This red ripple is not at all the Read more […]

Bad Driver’s Guardian Angel On Stress Leave

HEAVEN — After enduring several traffic close calls this week due to the horrendous driving of his 25-year-old protectee, guardian angel Passencius filed for stress leave this morning. “Brad Read more […]

Most Segregated Institution In America Condemns Racism

The wealthiest, most powerful nation in the world is reeling from the fatal results of systemic racism. As Americans grieve the latest atrocities, the most segregated institution in the country Read more […]

Undecorated Adventist Homes Prove Great Disappointment To Trick-Or-Treaters

WORLDWIDE — Children going trick-or-treating this year have reported “great disappointment” with Adventist homes in their neighborhoods. Many of the offending families have not bothered to Read more […]

AV Guy Lacks Spiritual Gift Of Song Service Slide Advancement

Tone Deaf, Mich. — Joyful Noise Adventist Church members are at a loss as to what to do with their AV guy, Han Sauver, who has yet to get through a single service without forgetting to advance Read more […]

Loma Linda Announces Degree In Last Chance Courtship

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Loma Linda University has announced a degree in Last Chance Courtship that allows students to do nothing but walk around campus flirting with medical students for four years. Read more […]

Security experts warn Adventists to stop using 1844 for their PIN numbers

SECURITY UPDATE SILVER SPRING, Md. — Security experts at Adventist Risk Management have warned Adventists using 1844 as their PIN number that they are exposing themselves to huge risks. “If Read more […]

GC buys blackout drapes to avoid receiving more light

Silver Spring, Md. — A bulk order of discount blackout drapes was installed in every window of the General Conference offices today. The drapes were fitted carefully to prevent world leaders Read more […]