Southern’s Village Market bankrupt after disappointing Valentine’s carob sales

Don't gamble with carob...
Don’t gamble with carob…
COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Southern Adventist University’s Village Market has declared bankruptcy after failing to sell any of its Valentine’s carob inventory. Despite starting to advertise the product in early January, the natural foods store confirmed that not one box sold.

“We are extremely disappointed that our Valentine’s carob investment did not pay off,” said Village Market representative Sabe Mal. The store had doubled down on a bet that a largely Adventist clientele would enthusiastically buy up stock, he said.

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“Looks like we may have overestimated the popularity of this particular product,” said Mal, explaining that the dramatic hit to the bottom line had left the store unable to continue operations.

Mal defended the rationale of store management by pointing to the “hyper-active” dating scene at Southern. “We happen to have a student population that takes finding a mate in four years or less religiously. We just thought they would want to be equipped with the best seduction tools in Adventism.”

Mal said that despite the unfortunate closing of the natural foods store, there was reason to be optimistic as rumor has it a Little Debbie outlet would take its place.

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26 Comments

  1. The Village Market representative has an interesting name: “Sabe Mal.” While some folks may agree that carob “tastes bad,” some scholars believe that John the Baptist apparently liked carob pods and wild honey.

    In any event, if the Village Market goes out of business it probably won’t be for poor carob sales. The more likely reason would be that many shoppers prefer the better prices at the nearby WalMart.

    • Ray Kraft

      Yeah, when I was a kid, my mom kept trying to tell me that carob tasted like chocolate, she lied. Lying is a sin, I don’t think she ever repented of that, so I guess I know where she is now.

    • FRESHMAN NERD WHO WANTS TO BE RICH.

      POINT IS, THE VILLAGE MARKET IS A NICE PLACE WITH GOOD PRODUCTS. THEY ARE DEFINITELY CAPITALIST AS AM I. OTHERWISE WHY WOULD YOU RAISE PRICES TO SUCH IRRATIONAL RATES? THEN AGAIN WHY WOULD YOU PAY THOSE PRICES AS A SHOPPER?
      WALMART IS CHEAPER AND THEY ARE BAPTIST, CHRISTIANS SO NO NEED TO GET HUNG UP THERE.
      STILL A NICE STORE WITH COOL STUFF. CONVENIENT.

  2. John Elvis Bush

    I, John Elvis “Jeb” Brush, use carob to seduce voters. Come vote for me in South Carolina, and I’ll give you a carton of carob that I got from the VM liquidation sale.

  3. Justin Beaver

    Rats! I was gonna do a benefit concert for the Village Market on Valentine’s Day. Can’t do it now that they’re closed. It’s disgusting. I better go drink some carob and weed to calm myself down.

  4. Richard Mills

    Hey, Justin & gang- speakin’ o’ rats, Valley Market should give the stuff away to control the rodent population around Southern & surrounding areas. Rats, mice and all types of rodents love the taste of chocolate-real or fake. This is the best alternative. I use it myself. On the rats. Even two legged rodents can benefit from this stuff. Guaranteed or your money back. Use it on the Sabbath and double your investment. Me, I want the real dark chocolate, the healthy kind. The kind you get at Hershey’s. The kind used in Little Debbies. Yo, McKee-use it around the factory. Works wonders. If not, send it over to my Uncle Zeke in Soddy Daisey. He has a hog farm thar. Woe iz me

    • Dan Cee

      you shouldn’t be a stumbling block in the regards to chocolate….my poor mother-in-law often fell for chocolate much to her chagrin. Always grief stricken she would promise the Lord that this time, for sure, she would never be tempted. Ellen W. could commiserate, concerning her battles with meat and vinegar

  5. ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍~ ‍BREAKING NEWS ~
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Southern Adventist University Announces 26th President

    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Collegedale, Tenn.– Today Southern Adventist University’s Board of Trustees unanimously voted to formally invite Dr. Benjamin S. Carson to serve as the school’s 26th president. After much prayer, Carson has accepted the position.

    “I am honored to follow Gordon Bietz who has provided Southern with 19 years of distinguished leadership,” Carson said. “I look forward to partnering with God and all who are associated with Southern to see how He will make a special school even more special.”

    Carson, a retired neurosurgeon, is no stranger to the campus, having donated his services to perform lobotomies on students and staff during a 17 year period in the ’80s and ’90s. Though an exact start date has yet to be determined, Dr. Carson looks forward to working alongside President Bietz in the months leading up to his retirement.

    Accordingly, Dr. Carson has announced that he is suspending his campaign for nomination as the Republican presidential candidate. “Serving as President of Southern is a far greater honor than running for President of the United States, and I really like the Collegedale area a lot better than Washington, D.C.,” said Dr. Carson in a news release.

  6. Richard Mills

    The 26th President of Southern really understands the rule of not serving two masters. Bless you , Brother. Keep me in mind for a spot on the administration. I am creative. I can create novel ways to build up your school. I know people in high places-media, sports, foreign relations, the GC. Let me give it a shot. You & constituents won’t be sorry.
    Contact my legal team to work out details, the salary, etc. Bless you, Brother-Bless You. As a famous ,well known singer once sang, “I’m all shook up, ooooooh yeah!!” Woe iz me

    • John Elvis Bush

      Richard,
      Nice to see you quoting my namesake Elvis. I’m “all shook up,” too, after the horrible results at the Iowa Caucus and the not-much-better results in New Hampshire. Please pray for me in South Carolina.
      Thanks,
      Jeb Brush

  7. Joe Stalin

    My favorite Joseph Stalin quote is: “Don’t believe everything that Ben Carson says.” My second-favorite Joseph Stalin quote is: “Check it out on Snopes.com before passing on internet rumors and questionable Facebook memes.”

  8. Hilarious Clinton

    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Breaking News

    ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍OBAMA APPOINTS HIMSELF TO SUPREME COURT

    AC News – Washington, D.C.: In a move that shocked even his wife (not to mention his political enemies), President Barack Obama has taken the unprecedented step of appointing himself to the U.S. Supreme Court to replace the recently-deceased Associate Justice Antonin Scalia.

    The President admitted in a special radio address that he has always secretly envied a seat on the bench, especially the bench of the highest court of the land. “What better way to fill the current vacancy, than by appointment myself?” he asked rhetorically. As a lawyer and former constitutional law professor, O’bama is eminently qualified for the position.

    In order to complete his term as President (to prevent the gaffe-prone Joe Biden from assuming the presidency), Mr. Obama has decided to make his appointment effective on January 21, 2017 — the day after Hillary Clinton is inaugurated as President.

    Mr. Obama, who is an avid basketball fan, mentioned that he will take the opportunity to shoot some hoops with the law clerks on the roof of the Supreme Court building. Because it is on the roof, he pointed out how the basketball court is affectionately known as the “highest court in the land.”

    When asked what his first judicial act will be, Mr. Obama stated, without hesitation: “I’ll deport Donald Trump to Mexico, return Ted Cruz to Canada, and deploy Ben Carson to fight ISIS.”

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