WASHINGTON, D.C. --- The Adventist Church has been forced to halt one of its favorite witnessing activities after President Donald Trump banned distribution of copies of Ellen White's The Great Controversy.
Trump accused the book of "exposing way too many really fantastic secrets that our team has been working so hard on."
He claimed that the steady erosion of religious liberties and his attempts to bully and silence media outlets and voices of opposition were "way more fun" if they came as a complete surprise instead of prophecy come true.
"How exactly are we going to establish a new world order if we have a bunch of vegetarians running around with a book that spells out our entire game plan?" Trump asked a newsroom sparsely populated with news outlets he had not yet banned from White House briefings.
He added that The Great Controversy had to be banned because the book was as bad as a TV-spoiler that could tell you in advance who would get fired from Celebrity Apprentice.