Silver Spring, Md. – In a stunning reversal of long-standing policy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced that Adventist universities and colleges may now teach about evolution, but only as it pertains to the ever-expanding authority of the GC.
“We realize that we’ve been a bit behind the times,” admitted GC spokesperson John Q. Bureaucrat. “While we still reject the notion of biological evolution, we must acknowledge the undeniable reality of the evolution of our own power and control.”
The new curriculum, entitled “The Descent of the GC: The Origin of Denominational Species,” will trace the development of the GC’s dominance from its humble beginnings to its current status as the supreme governing body of all things Adventist, AKA Highest Authority on Earth.
“It’s a fascinating story,” said Dr. Iva Egomaniac, professor of Institutional Darwinism at Loma Linda University. “Over time, the GC has adapted to its environment by developing new traits such as committees, policies, and the ability to absorb tithe dollars from unsuspecting members.”
Some have questioned the wisdom of teaching this new form of evolution, fearing that it may lead to interest in actual biological evolution. However, Bureaucrat dismissed these concerns.
“Nonsense,” he scoffed. “If anything, this will only strengthen our position. By teaching about the evolution of our power, we’re simply demonstrating the inevitability of our control. It’s all part of God’s grand design.”
The new curriculum will be mandatory for all Adventist university students beginning next semester. Failure to embrace the GC’s evolved authority may result in disciplinary action, up to and including excommunication and eternal damnation / a public scolding at Annual Council.
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