Friday, February 14, 2025

Trump Vows To Cause Second Coming During First 90 Days in Office

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In a shocking announcement from the Oval Office that has left Adventist theologians and political analysts alike in a state of bewilderment, President Donald Trump has vowed to “make the Second Coming happen” within his first 90 days of his new term.

Addressing the nation from behind his desk, Trump declared, “Nobody knows the Second Coming better than me, folks. It’s gonna be beautiful, really beautiful. And I’m gonna make it happen faster than you can say ‘Special K loaf.'”

The President outlined his divine plan, which includes:

1. Appointing Doug Batchelor as Secretary of Prophetic Interpretation
2. Replacing the Presidential Daily Briefing with daily study of “The Great Controversy”
3. Renaming Air Force One to “Trump Force Advent”

When pressed for details on exactly when this celestial event would occur, Trump responded, “Look, the Good Book says nobody knows the day or the hour. But believe me, we’re gonna be ready. We’re gonna have the best trumpets, the loudest shofars. It’s gonna be tremendous.”

In response to Trump’s proclamation, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced the cancellation of the upcoming GC Session. “In light of recent developments, we believe there’s no need for further planning,” stated a GC spokesperson. “Plus, think of all the money we’ll save on veggie meat and grape juice.”

As news of Trump’s celestial pledge spread, social media exploded with memes depicting the President as various biblical figures. One particularly viral image showed Trump’s face photoshopped onto a classic Adventist evangelism poster, with the caption “Making the Three Angels’ Messages Great Again.”

In response to the online frenzy, Trump took to Truth Social, posting, “The FAKE NEWS media won’t tell you this, but I’ve already started construction on a beautiful, gold-plated New Jerusalem. It’s gonna be huge, folks!”

As the nation holds its breath for the next 90 days, White House insiders report that the President has taken to practicing his shofar skills in the Oval Office. “He’s determined to personally herald in the Second Coming,” said one anonymous source. “Though right now, it sounds less like a heavenly trumpet and more like a startled elephant.”

Regardless, Trump remains confident, assuring his supporters, “When I blow this thing, believe me, Jesus will hear it. It’ll be the greatest Second Coming in history. Period.”


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