An Andrews University Seminary professor is reportedly seeking new employment after making the bold claim that caffeine is, in fact, one of the fruits of the Spirit.
The professor, whose name has been withheld to protect their future job prospects, allegedly made this groundbreaking assertion during a lecture on Galatians 5. Eyewitnesses report that the professor confidently added “caffeine” to the end of Paul’s list, right after “self-control.”
“It just makes sense,” the professor was overheard saying. “Have you ever tried to exhibit patience or self-control before your morning coffee? Impossible!”
Students were initially skeptical, but as the caffeine from their secretly smuggled energy drinks kicked in, many found themselves nodding along enthusiastically. One student even suggested that perhaps Ellen White’s anti-caffeine stance was simply because she hadn’t tried the right blend.
The university administration, however, was less than impressed. “We pride ourselves on our adherence to Adventist health principles,” said a spokesperson, who was definitely not sipping a latte at the time. “Suggesting that caffeine is divine is a step too far, even for our notoriously jittery former colleague.”
The professor was last seen heading towards a South Bend Starbucks muttering, “I’m just saying, the next Great Awakening might go a lot smoother with some espresso involved.”
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