We Adventists love our rules. Some are so wild, even Jesus—who called out the Pharisees for overkill—might blink and say, “Hold up, what’s this?” Here’s a rundown of some head-scratchers:
1. Church Discipline: Blink and You’re Exiled
You’ve messed up royally. You get an all-too-fleeting moment to plead your case before a church committee, then you’re booted out. Jesus, who told us in Matthew 18 to hash things out openly and restore people, might say, “I meant reconciliation, not a reality TV eviction.”
2. Cracking Down on Fun
No fiction, no movies, no jewelry—a long list of “don’ts.” One ex-member called it a “yoke of bondage,” with fear as the glue. Jesus, who turned water into wine and crashed parties, might raise an eyebrow: “I died for freedom, not a fun ban.”
3. Cities As Satan’s Playground
Ellen G. White’s “Out of the cities!” got spun into a rule to flee urban life for rural purity, leaving city folk behind. Jesus, who preached in towns and wept over Jerusalem, might say, “I told you to reach people, not run from them.”
4. Sabbath: Nap or Bust
Sabbath means no work, no play—just church, naps, and multiple hymns. Sneak a movie, and you’re toast. Jesus, who healed on the Sabbath and said it’s for our good, might caution, “Rest, sure—but I didn’t mean house arrest.”
5. Meat’s a Moral Fail
KFC’s a no-no for the sevvy elite and many push vegetarianism as holier-than-thou. One bite of chicken in some circles, and you’re suspect. Jesus, who cooked fish for his crew by the sea, might remark, “I fed 5,000 with loaves and fish—where’s the beef?”
6. Ellen G. White’s Word Rules All
Ellen’s writings get treated like gospel, even when she herself warned us against doing so. Jesus, who said He’s the way, truth, and life, might sigh, “I’m the main event—Ellen merely points to Greater Light.”
7. Fear Beats Faith
Fear of damnation hooks newbies, and guilt keeps ’em in line—happy vibes optional. Jesus, who promised peace and rest for the weary, might shake his head: “I brought good news, not a guilt trip—check my memo.”
* Disclaimer: BarelyAdventist stirs the potluck with love. No vegelinks were shamed in this satire. At its God-given best, Adventism could shine as a beacon of grace, health, and hope, reflecting Jesus’s love to a world starving for both rest and redemption.
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