DROWSYVILLE, Arkansas — In a revelation that’s perking up sleepy Adventist circles, a local pastor’s sermons have improved by an astonishing 73% since swapping his trusty Postum for Starbucks’ Pike Place Roast, according to a new study that’s got traditionalists clutching their chicory mugs.
Pastor Elmer Fuddington, 62, of the Drowsyville Seventh-day Adventist Church, was infamous for his monotonous monologues on end-times prophecy, often lulling congregants into unplanned naps. A lifelong Postum devotee, he claimed the caffeine-free brew kept him “just alert enough not to nod off at the pulpit.” But after a Sabbath morning mix-up introduced him to real coffee, his preaching transformed.
“I felt alive!” Fuddington told congregants. “My points were punchier, my jokes landed, and folks stayed awake past the first point.”
The study, from Andrews University’s Department of Nutrition, monitored 13 Sabbaths. Pre-switch, sermons scored a yawn-inducing 4.2 on the Adventist Engagement Index. Post-Pike Place, they hit 7.3, with spikes in energy, engagement, and “amens” per minute. Lead researcher Dr. Buzz McCafferty noted, “Caffeine equals charisma—data doesn’t lie.”
Critics aren’t buying it. Elder Strictford Tightwad called it “a gateway to worldly vices,” insisting true power comes from prayer and early bedtimes.
Fuddington’s sticking with his brew, quipping, “If Ellen White tried this, she’d rewrite the health message.” Denomination-wide trials are brewing—time to wake up and smell the coffee?
