Children’s story: that magical weekly moment when we gather tiny humans around the pulpit and let a well-meaning adult gamble with the entire service running time. It’s cute, it’s chaotic, and sometimes… it’s a public safety concern.
Here are the 7 types that really should come with legal warnings:
1. The “And Then the Dog Died” Story
Starts heartwarming. Ends with emotional devastation.
The kids are scarred, the parents are traumatized, and the storyteller is crying into the mic.
Penalty: Mandatory puppy adoption for emotional restitution.
2. The Snack Bribery Story
Because nothing says Jesus loves you like gummy bears at 11:52 AM.
Suddenly every child in the building — including that random visiting toddler who appeared from the void — materializes like locusts.
Penalty: Community service wiping potluck tables.
3. The Sermon Disguised as a Story
You said “short children’s story,” but you meant “Sermon: Prequel.”
The adults are asleep. The kids are building a Lego megachurch.
Penalty: Forced to sit criss-cross applesauce during next week’s sermon.
4. The “I Didn’t Practice With the Mic” Story
Feedback squeals, mic accidentally in the mouth, random tapping…
Half the church is suddenly praying for the AV team’s salvation.
Penalty: Re-baptism for soundboard assault.
5. The Overly Graphic Bible Story
“And then Jael hammered the tent peg right through his head, kiddos!”
Meanwhile, three children faint and one promises never to sleep again.
Penalty: VeggieTales re-education camp.
6. The Animal Prop Gone Wrong
The storyteller thought bringing a live ferret would “make it relatable.”
It does — in the sense that everyone relates to the terror of a ferret loose in church.
Penalty: Lifetime ban from pet stores on Sabbath.
7. The Farmer’s Market Object Lesson
“Kids, we’re going to talk about the spiritual symbolism of this extremely bruised zucchini.”
The kids learn nothing except that vegetables are still boring at church.
Penalty: Must eat haystacks without sour cream for one month.
Bonus Crime:
Footage of the children’s story accidentally becoming the funniest viral moment of the weekend.
May our storytellers be blessed, prepared, and extremely supervised.
Amen and Happy Sabbath
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