SILVER SPRING, MD — A record number of Seventh-day Adventists are proclaiming that their true riches are in heaven following a catastrophic crash in retirement funds triggered by President Trump’s latest round of tariffs. The economic upheaval, dubbed “Tariff-mageddon” by pundits, has left Adventist 401(k)s looking more like offering plates on the Sabbath before pay day.
Local elder Marjorie Hensley, 67, was philosophical about the sudden evaporation of her nest egg. “I was planning a retirement cruise to the Galápagos to see those finches Pastor Doug raves about,” she said, adjusting her headscarf. “But when I checked my account on Friday afternoon, I realized the Lord had other plans. Now I’m just storing up my treasures where moth and rust—and apparently tariffs—don’t corrupt.”
The phenomenon has swept Adventist communities nationwide. In Loma Linda, California, retiree Harold Baxter waved off concerns about his depleted savings with a forced smile and a quote from Matthew 6:19. “I’ve been telling my Sabbath School class for years not to worry about earthly wealth,” he said, sipping a soy latte outside the university church. “Turns out I was preaching to myself. Good thing I’ve got that heavenly mansion on layaway.”
“Adventists have always been good at pivoting to faith when the going gets tough,” said a spokesperson from the General Conference, who declined to comment on rumors that the church’s own investment portfolio took a hit. “We’re seeing record attendance at prayer meetings.”
At press time, Adventist social media was abuzz with members swapping tips on how to stretch a single can of FriChik across three meals, while others speculated that the tariff fallout might be a sign of the end times. “I’m not saying it’s the Sunday law,” posted one user on X, “but I’ve got my time of trouble rucksack ready just in case.”
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