SILICON VALLEY, Calif. — Adventist tech volunteers across North America unveiled a cutting-edge church Wi-Fi filter this Sabbath that blocks access to any website lacking a proper Ellen White citation.
“We’re tired of members wasting bandwidth on sites that haven’t been inspired,” explained the head deacon, showing off the new password: ‘greatcontroversy1844’. “The new filter only allows web pages that reference at least three Spirit of Prophecy quotes, preferably in footnotes.”
Eyewitnesses confirmed the immediate effects. Church members attempting to search for vegan cupcake recipes, travel weather, or even children’s Sabbath School crafts were met with the stern error message: “Access denied: insufficient Ellen White content. Please uplift your spirituality or use the church library.”
Worship teams attempting to download contemporary music chord charts accidentally triggered a firewall lockdown. “Apparently, ‘ukulele tabs’ and ‘Ellen G. White’ are not a common combo,” admitted a frustrated youth leader, frantically flipping through an old hard copy song book for inspiration.
The new system has significantly increased post-service buzz during fellowship lunch, as even the livestream froze mid-sermon when the preacher referenced “a secular leadership blog” instead of Steps to Christ.
