PITCAIRN ISLAND (Somewhere Near Revelation 14) —
U.S. President Donald J. Trump announced Tuesday that the United States “has no choice” but to take control of Pitcairn Island—which Trump repeatedly referred to as “Pitt Karin,” “Put Karen,” and once “that Adventist island near Australia-ish”—after learning that it may be the most religiously compliant territory on earth.
“This island? Tremendous island,” Trump said, gesturing toward a poorly cropped Google Maps screenshot. “Very small. Very faithful. Nobody’s working on Saturday. Nobody. I’ve never seen discipline like this. Frankly, we could use it.”
Strategic Sabbath Interests
According to sources close to the situation (and one guy on Truth Social), Pitcairn Island became a sudden geopolitical priority after Trump learned that the island’s modern identity traces back to Seventh-day Adventist missionaries, resulting in a culture where Sabbath observance is taken with near-miraculous seriousness.
“They don’t shop on Sabbath. They don’t work on Sabbath. They don’t even think about emails on Sabbath,” Trump said. “Incredible restraint. Our people? Weak. Very weak.”
Why America ‘Needs’ Pitcairn
- Prophetic Alignment: “Revelation talks about islands. A lot of people don’t know that. I know that.”
- Six-Day Productivity: “They work hard for six days, then shut it all down. God did it first.”
- Vegetarian Superiority: “No pork. Clean living. Clean arteries.”
- Real Estate: “Ocean views. No traffic. One church that mostly agrees. Very rare.”
Local Response: ‘We Don’t Fight on Sabbath’
The island’s fewer-than-50 residents responded calmly.
“We’re not sure where he thinks he’s invading,” said one island elder. “Also, we don’t do conflict on Sabbath. Or Friday night. Or really at all.”
Another resident added, “If Americans arrive with weapons, we’ll greet them with haystacks. That usually de-escalates things.”
Invasion Scheduled for Sunday, ‘Out of Respect’
Trump concluded by assuring residents their lifestyle would remain untouched.
“No work on Saturday. We’ll keep that. Maybe make it bigger. A national Sabbath. People will love it. The economy will hate it—but God? God will love it.”
The invasion is tentatively scheduled for Sunday morning.
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