Adventist Church to stock Noah’s Ark replica with every living beast for floating zoo

Will it float?
Will it float?
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Adventist Church has announced plans to fill a full-scale Noah’s Ark replica with “every living beast” for a floating zoo theme park.

The already-built ark replica will be transported from its current location in Kentucky to a pier in Miami where visitors will be allowed to tour the vessel for a “real-life experience of the Noah story.”

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Science faculty from an array of Adventist universities have been commissioned to select the animals that were the likely original parents of the thousands of modern day species. GC leaders have been careful to vet each Adventist academic to weed out closet anti-Creationists.

“To make this work we are going to pick two chihuahua puppies to represent dogkind,” said GC Unclean Animal Procurement Director Wai Mieh. “Plus, if we pick the least menacing representatives of each animal family, we will have a safer environment for tours.”

The interior
The interior
Adventist college students have been dispatched around the globe to collect animals during their summer break, and Adventist congregations worldwide have been requested to donate their pets. The Adventist Development and Relief Agency also has offered to contribute some goats from its gift catalog.

Project directors say the floating ark zoo will be open for visitors in approximately 120 days, “give or take.” Admission will be free, but group size will be limited to eight people per tour to match the number of people who boarded the original ark. Church officials insist that taking on more weight is not supported by historical precedent.


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12 Comments

  1. 7Upper

    My contract to secretly purchase this Ark is contingent on finding a team of pooper scoopers to volunteer to handle the dung issue. Non-Adventists only need apply since animals ignore Sabbath and Sabbath keepers can’t work on the Holy day. Deadline is tomorrow. I plan to relocate this thing to dry dock on the Union College campus as Lincoln NB has the best scoopers in the wotld

  2. 7Upper

    My contract to secretly purchase this Ark is contingent on finding a team of pooper scoopers to volunteer to handle the dung issue. Non-Adventists only need apply since animals ignore Sabbath and Sabbath keepers can’t work on the Holy day. Deadline is tomorrow. I plan to relocate this thing to dry dock on the Union College campus as Lincoln NB has the best scoopers in the world.

  3. Ray Kraft

    But how can we avoid the fact that since all we really know about the Ark is the exterior dimensions, all the interior details are speculative, i.e., fictitious, they may or may not resemble the original.

    Noah and his wife and kids musta been real busy 24 /7 scooping poop.

  4. richard mills

    The LEGOLAND people plan to build a 3rd Lego Land theme park in New York not far from NYC. One of the projects to be built by their Lego engineers is a replica of Noah’s Ark. Isn’t that the greatest thing? Think of the enormous number of blocks! The color scheme! They expect this ark to float! Water built out of Lego bricks. By the way, the local SDA churches will have to be the docents. I’m signing up after sundown today. Come, join in the line with your resume’s. Calling all unemployed Seminary students. Retired Bible professors. Looking for females to be wives of Noah’s 3 sons. My spouse has already been selected as Ms. Noah. Me? I am a sanitary engineer. Woe iz me!!

  5. Joe King

    I finally realized that my marriage was really on the rocks when I read the 20th anniversary card from my wife. It said: “To whom it may concern:” . . . .

    • Amused in Florida

      My pastor once accepted an invitation to preach at the insane asylum. He preached about The Three Great Questions, starting with “We are we all here?” One of the inmates/patients piped up, “Because we ain’t all there.”

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