Newly-approved compliance document forces all Adventists to follow same recipe for potluck lasagna

Layered compliance...
Layered compliance…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Seventh-day Adventist Church’s General Conference Administrative Committee voted on Tuesday, July 17, a potluck veggie lasagna recipe document recommended by the Unity Oversight Committee. The recommendations came after nine months of listening and consultation with church entities around the world and outlines a process of addressing entities not in compliance with the lasagna prep preferences of strong-willed and highly opinionated potluck consumers at the General Conference (GC) Session and the GC Executive Committee. The outlined process includes setting up a number of potluck lasagna compliance review committees that will address specific issues of non-compliance and will make recommendations to the General Conference Administrative Committee so that Adventists never even think to deviate from established preparation protocols for the Adventist potluck favorite.

The Unity Oversight Committee was informed by quantitative and qualitative data gathered from exhaustive veggie lasagna tasting sessions with church leaders worldwide as well as dialogues over full-blown Mega Potlucks with the thirteen world divisions, General Conference Leadership Council, and GC institutions. Comments from Executive Committee members during previous Annual Council lunch breaks were also considered.

The Office of Archives, Statistics, and Research was tasked with developing a lasagna tasting menu and administering a survey of all union and division presidents worldwide. All those surveyed submitted a response, even though in some cases they chose not to answer all questions as eating certain lasagna samples constituted a violation of their personal conscience. The results of the survey were published in a previous article, and showed that a majority of the world Church’s union presidents favored some kind of process for dealing with non-compliance in matters as important and stressful as proper lasagna prep.

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Following standard process and protocol, the document voted today by GC ADCOM will also be discussed by the General Conference and Division Officers Committee. It will then be sent to the GC Executive Committee at its Annual Council this October for consideration before lasagna is served at this year’s Battle Creek-based meetings.

Read the original ANN script on which the satire above was based.


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One Comment

  1. richeerich

    It aint gonna work in my church. Why? Most of the memeb s are from the Inter American Division. Make the lasagna out of rice & beans and you gots a winner. AS for me, I sticking’ to my Little Debbies lasagna.

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