SILVER SPRING, Maryland — The Pleasant Valley Seventh-day Adventist Church Social Committee is facing unprecedented criticism after announcing their latest event: a poetry reading evening with absolutely no refreshments planned.
The Controversy
Committee chair Martha Feedmore found herself at the center of a storm when longtime members discovered the glaring omission in the event planning. “We thought we’d try something different for once,” she explained while nervously clutching an empty sign-up sheet.
Member Reactions
Elder Johnson, who hasn’t missed a church social in 27 years, called the decision “borderline heretical.” Local church matriarch Sister Wilson was overheard asking, “What’s next? Sabbath School without Special K loaf?”
Emergency Response
The church board has called an emergency meeting to address what they’re calling “The Great Food Crisis of 2024.” Several concerned members have already formed a grassroots movement called “Potluckers for Progress” and are circulating a petition demanding at minimum a light snack table.
Damage Control
In an attempt to quell the uprising, the social committee has hastily added that attendees are welcome to bring their own Tupperware containers “just in case,” though they emphasize there will be nothing to put in them. The committee’s youngest member, Sarah Chen, has been placed on administrative leave after suggesting they could “just focus on the poetry.”
Official Statement
“We now realize that scheduling an Adventist gathering without food is like trying to have a Sabbath sermon without a closing hymn,” admitted Feedmore. “We’ve learned our lesson and promise that all future events will include at least three kinds of haystack toppings.”
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