SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a shocking turn of events, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), spearheaded by Elon Musk, has turned its sights on the Seventh-day Adventist Church, disbanding every single committee from the General Conference down to the local potluck planning team. “We analyzed the data,” Musk tweeted at 3 a.m., “and found that 97.8% of Adventist committee meetings involve redundant discussions about vegan adjacent recipes or whether projectors violate Sabbath sanctity. It’s inefficient. Terminated.”
Sources say the final straw was a 14-hour GC Zoom call debating whether vegan cheese constitutes a “meat substitute” under Ellen White’s guidelines. “I’ve revolutionized cars and rockets with less deliberation,” Musk reportedly grumbled before issuing the executive order to dissolve all committees.
Adventist members are reeling. “Who’s going to approve my Pathfinder uniform patches now?” lamented a teary-eyed junior deacon from Keene, Texas. Others, however, see a silver lining. “No more nominating committee means I can skip being volunteered for the greeter role,” said a relieved member from Loma Linda. The General Conference has vowed to fight back, forming a new Committee to Investigate DOGE’s Overreach—before realizing it, too, had been disbanded.
In related news, Musk has proposed replacing all church boards with a single AI bot named “SabbathTron,” which promises to cut meeting times to 140 characters or less. “Efficiency is next to godliness,” he quipped.
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