With egg prices soaring Adventist nutritionists across the denomination are basking in a glow of self-righteousness brighter than a Loma Linda sunrise. These plant-based pioneers are dusting off their “Meatless Monday” playbooks and delivering a resounding “We told you so” to anyone still clinging to their omelet dreams.
“Eggs are a luxury now? Shocking,” deadpanned Dr. Fern Sprigley, a nutritionist at Southern Adventist University, as she stirred a vat of cashew cheese with a smug flourish. “Meanwhile, I’ve got a pantry full of beans and a conscience full of peace. The egg crisis isn’t a problem—it’s a wake-up call. Ditch the hen house and join us in the garden, folks.”
The egg shortage, blamed on everything from pesky chickens to corporate price-gouging, has turned breakfast into a budget-breaking ordeal for most Americans. But for vegan Adventists, it’s just another feather in the cap of their tofu-loving legacy. Nutritionists are seizing the moment, flooding church newsletters with recipes for eggless quiches and hosting smug symposiums like “Cracked Eggs, Unbroken Faith: The Vegan Advantage.”
“We’ve been prepping for this since the 1800s,” said Pastor-turned-soy-evangelist Cliff Lentil, waving a forkful of tofu scramble. “Ellen White didn’t need a crystal ball to see that animal products would one day betray you. Now the world’s scrambling—pun intended—and we’re just over here sipping our oat milk, unfazed.”
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