SPRINKLES, Tenn. (AP)—In a bold sermon this past Sabbath, Pastor David Billings of the Cornerstone SDA Church delivered a fiery message on the imminent return of Christ, confessing afterward to a small group of church elders that he hopes the message will prompt “a latter rain of donations.”
According to witnesses, Billings’ sermon, titled “Signs of the Times, Blessings of the Tithe,” meticulously outlined a series of global events—from political turmoil to rising gas prices—as clear evidence that the end is nigh.
The pastor reportedly referenced several verses from Daniel and Revelation before transitioning into a more contemporary interpretation, suggesting that a lack of financial support for the church was, in fact, “a sign of the great apostasy.”
“I have been impressed that this is the one,” Billings stated, polishing his reading glasses. “I laid it on thick, you know? The famines, the pestilence, the persecution… I even threw in a part about how the new sound system is essential for spreading the three angels’ messages to the world. We’ll see if they take the bait—I mean, if they respond to the call.”
Deaconess Mildred Abernathy, a member of the church for 40 years, was overheard saying, “Pastor Billings has been preaching about the End Times for years. But this time, it felt… different. He used a lot of new hand gestures, and he kept looking at the offering plate.”
At press time, the church treasurer was seen reviewing the church’s online giving portal, humming the hymn “Bringing in the Sheaves.”
