SILVER SPRING, MD — Adventists around the world are demanding answers after discovering that their eternal records might not meet European data privacy standards.
“Look, I just want to know who has access to my sins,” said one concerned member. “Is it just Jesus, or are angels sharing screenshots in the heavenly group chat?”
The question arose during a Sabbath School discussion when a tech-savvy deacon pointed out that the Book of Life appears to store “sensitive personal data” without clear consent, a privacy notice, or even an unsubscribe option.
General Conference representatives responded swiftly, assuring members that heaven operates “under its own jurisdiction” and that any data sharing between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is covered under “eternal relational transparency.”
Still, some members aren’t convinced. “I’ve been praying for forgiveness for the same thing for ten years,” said another. “How do I know it’s been deleted from the servers?”
Rumors of a potential “Heavenly Privacy Policy Update” have spread, though sources confirm it will likely take 2300 days to review.
In the meantime, believers are advised to continue confessing sins as usual — and to “accept cookies” whenever angels offer them.
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