Uncategorized
BREAKING: GC President Köhler Joins the Heritage Singers, Says “I’ve Had Enough”
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a surprise career pivot, General Conference President Erton Köhler has announced he’s hanging up his presidential duties and officially joining the Heritage Singers.
“After just...
Uncategorized
Jesus Upset Adventists Want to Leave Just as He Is Coming
In a celestial press release a spokes-angel has revealed that the Savior is genuinely puzzled by the Adventist Church's longstanding "Jesus is Coming, I...
Uncategorized
Why We Adventists Are So Good at Bible Study But So Bad at Living It
Let's be honest, Adventists: We're practically black belts in Bible study. You give us a passage, and we can dissect it, cross-reference it, and...
General Conference
Will Erton Köhler Actually Change the Church? #notsatire
Look, we're all watching. We’ve seen the leadership change at the General Conference, and we've heard all the buzz about a new era. The...
Stewardship
Pastor Hopes End Times Sermon Prompts Latter Rain of Donations
SPRINKLES, Tenn. (AP)—In a bold sermon this past Sabbath, Pastor David Billings of the Cornerstone SDA Church delivered a fiery message on the imminent...
Uncategorized
Doug Batchelor: “They Came for the Barrel—Next They’ll Come for the Sabbath”
SACRAMENTO, CA — In an unscheduled live broadcast from a barrel-themed set, Pastor Doug Batchelor warned his followers that Cracker Barrel’s controversial logo change...
Uncategorized
New GC Voting Devices Ensure Holy Spirit Always Backs Majority Vote
In a stunning display of divine guidance and technological innovation, the General Conference of the Seventh-day Adventist Church announced today that its new ElectionBuddy...
Dating
By 2040, 98% of Adventists Projected to Be Kindly Grandmas Inquiring About Your Relationship Status
SILVER SPRING, Md. — New projections from the Adventist Statistics, Trends & Reports (ASTR) department suggest a demographic tipping point: if trends persist, every...
Uncategorized
GC President Selection to be Confirmed Via Smoke Signals
The General Conference announced that the selection of its next president will be confirmed through traditional smoke signals emanating from the America's Center Convention...
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GC Announces Tithe Transparency App With Leaderboard and Shame Notifications
In a move to “build trust and accountability,” the Adventist Church has unveiled its latest digital innovation: the Tithe Transparency App, now featuring real-time...
Uncategorized
Vine Clarifies His New Venture’s ‘Needle to the Pole’ Name NOT an Endorsement of Vaccines
Berrien Springs, Mich. – Dr. Conrad Vine, the outgoing president of Adventist Frontier Missions (AFM), has launched a new ministry called As the Needle...