Uncategorized
The Quiet Financial Anxiety So Many of Us Carry
This isn’t the dramatic, headline-grabbing kind of money stress. No eviction notice taped to the door. No tearful phone calls to the bank. Just the low, steady hum in...
Uncategorized
If You Feel Alone Right Now, This Is for You
Loneliness doesn’t always look like being by yourself. Sometimes it looks like being surrounded by people and still feeling unseen. Full calendars. Endless messages....
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Local Adventist Confirms Costco Hot Dog Aligns With Church Teachings Because It’s Still $1.50
COLLEGE PLACE, WA — Local Adventist Frank Stewardson confirmed Friday that purchasing a Costco hot dog remains fully compatible with the church’s teachings on...
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Adventist College Replaces DEI Officer With Suggestion Box
In a bold move toward administrative efficiency, a major Adventist college has officially replaced its Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion officer with a single suggestion...
Progressive Revelation
We Say ‘Present Truth’ but Panic Every Time It Actually Shows Up
Adventism loves the phrase present truth. It sounds forward-looking, flexible, even brave. But in practice, when present truth shows up, panic tends to follow.
Somewhere...
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GC Officials Open Fire On Anti-Carob Protestors, Drenching Them Thoroughly With Super Soakers
SILVER SPRING, MD — Chaos erupted outside the General Conference headquarters this morning after GC officials “opened fire” on anti-carob demonstrators, soaking them thoroughly...
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Trump Tells NATO: “Iron and Clay Feet? No Way They Can Defend Greenland!”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump delivered a fiery briefing to NATO officials today, warning that Europe’s “iron and clay feet” are completely...
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Does BarelyAdventist Hate the Church?
Between the satire, the memes, the open questions, the essays, the sharp takes, and everything else we publish, there are people who genuinely believe...
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Single Adventist Woman Seeking Husband to Help Populate an Entire Pathfinder Club
Age: Old enough to know better, young enough to still believe
Location: Wherever children are running during church
Spiritual Gifts: Patience, logistics, and not crying in...
Uncategorized
The Thing That Still Drives Me After All These Years
I grew up as a missionary kid, and there’s something exhilarating about being a missionary that never really leaves you.
My mom used to say...
Marriage
God Is Not a Sadist
God’s ideal is clear: a loving, faithful, life-giving marriage. For most people. Notice I said most.
Some are genuinely better off single. Scripture affirms this...