Sabbath
Sabbath Was Never Supposed to Be This Boring
The Sabbath wasn’t designed to drain life out of you—it was meant to pour life into you.
From the very beginning, Sabbath was about divine connection.
God and humanity, face to...
Uncategorized
The Unspoken Class Divide in Adventism
You can usually spot it before the opening hymn ends.
There’s the doctor family in their coordinated Sabbath outfits, the polished deacon whose tie costs...
Fundamental Beliefs
When God Doesn’t Fit in Your 28 Beliefs
You know that moment when you realize the universe might actually be bigger than your Sabbath School quarterly? Yeah, that one.
We Adventists love our...
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How Ready Are You for the Time of Trouble? (Take This Quiz to Find Out!)
So you’ve heard about the Time of Trouble your whole life. The hiding in the mountains, the food shortages, the “only the faithful will...
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BREAKING: GC President Köhler Joins the Heritage Singers, Says “I’ve Had Enough”
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a surprise career pivot, General Conference President Erton Köhler has announced he’s hanging up his presidential duties and officially...
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Jesus Upset Adventists Want to Leave Just as He Is Coming
In a celestial press release a spokes-angel has revealed that the Savior is genuinely puzzled by the Adventist Church's longstanding "Jesus is Coming, I...
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Why We Adventists Are So Good at Bible Study But So Bad at Living It
Let's be honest, Adventists: We're practically black belts in Bible study. You give us a passage, and we can dissect it, cross-reference it, and...
General Conference
Will Erton Köhler Actually Change the Church? #notsatire
Look, we're all watching. We’ve seen the leadership change at the General Conference, and we've heard all the buzz about a new era. The...
Stewardship
Pastor Hopes End Times Sermon Prompts Latter Rain of Donations
SPRINKLES, Tenn. (AP)—In a bold sermon this past Sabbath, Pastor David Billings of the Cornerstone SDA Church delivered a fiery message on the imminent...
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Doug Batchelor: “They Came for the Barrel—Next They’ll Come for the Sabbath”
SACRAMENTO, CA — In an unscheduled live broadcast from a barrel-themed set, Pastor Doug Batchelor warned his followers that Cracker Barrel’s controversial logo change...
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New GC Voting Devices Ensure Holy Spirit Always Backs Majority Vote
In a stunning display of divine guidance and technological innovation, the General Conference of the Seventh-day Adventist Church announced today that its new ElectionBuddy...