Union College transfer program puts students in same class as camp crush

LINCOLN, Neb. — In a step sure to revolutionize Adventist college recruiting, Union College announced today that transfer students to the school will be placed in the same class as their camp Read more […]

GC buys blackout drapes to avoid receiving more light

Silver Spring, Md. — A bulk order of discount blackout drapes was installed in every window of the General Conference offices today. The drapes were fitted carefully to prevent world leaders Read more […]

Pastor fired for using Adventist church manual as door stop

PORTLAND, Ore. — An Adventist pastor has been terminated after he was caught using the church manual as a door stop. When asked to explain his behavior, Pastor Frank Laughlez of Grace Conditional Read more […]

Old-boy network to occupy second floor of GC building as NAD moves out

SILVER SPRING, Md. — An old-boy network is busy packing glass ceiling schematics and immense influence into boxes for a move into the General Conference building later this month. The network Read more […]

Adventist Church commissions Lin-Manuel Miranda to compose new English Hymnal

SILVER SPRING, Md.— In a move that has sent shockwaves of enthusiasm across the world, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has announced its decision to commission Pulitzer, Emmy, Tony, and Grammy Read more […]

Zach Galifianakis licenses “Between Two Ferns” to Adventist Independent Ministry

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Zach Galifianakis, the comedic actor and host of Comedy Central’s Between Two Ferns has licensed the concept of his brilliantly successful talk show to an Adventist Independent Read more […]

End Times enthusiasts stock hideouts with Union’s FriChik cans

LINCOLN, Neb. — The minute word got out that Union College had issued special edition FriChik cans, orders came pouring in from End Times enthusiasts in mountain cabins everywhere. The FriChik Read more […]