NAD Sends Far Fewer Pumpkin Pies to GC This Thanksgiving

COLUMBIA, Maryland — The North American Division has sent a far smaller percentage slice of its holiday pumpkin pies to the General Conference Thanksgiving Potluck this year. Despite warnings Read more […]

Church Bathrooms to Feature Signs Demanding Sabbath Greeters Wash Hands

ADVENTIST WORLD — As of this coming Sabbath, new signage will feature in every Adventist church bathroom. The signs will command church greeters to wash their hands after using the facilities. “The Read more […]

Newbold Launches Fake British Accent for Americans Degree

BERKSHIRE, England — Newbold College unveiled the latest expansion to its academic offerings this month by launching a degree specifically aimed at students from across the pond. Fake British Read more […]

Compliant Line of Pantyhose Launched by GC

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Shortly after the General Conference of 2010 in Atlanta GA., then newly elected GC President, Ted Wilson, sent a memo to every female employee of the General Conference. Read more […]

Jackson Calls for GC to Clearly Label Working Policy Hooey

Columbia, Maryland — North American Division President, Dan Jackson, has called on the General Conference to “clearly label any and all hooey in the GC Working Policy.” In addition, Jackson Read more […]

Liberal Adventist Can’t Find Revelation

Loma Linda, Calif. — Liberal Adventist, Al Riverside, has spent the last fifteen minutes at his small group meeting hunting for the book of Revelation in his freshly dusted-off paraphrase of Read more […]

Bearded Delegates Declare Battle Creek Itchiest Annual Council on Record

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — 2018 Annual Council delegates rushed through post-meeting evaluation forms in Battle Creek this week in a mad rush to get back to their hotels and shave before catching Read more […]

ABC stores sell out of “REPRIMANDED” T-shirts

  UNITED STATES — Adventist Book Centers across the country have announced that they have sold out of “REPRIMANDED” T-shirts that were launched earlier this week. The T-shirts went Read more […]