List of Adventist Royalty Published
SILVER SPRING, Md. — For the first time ever, a list of Adventist royalty has been published. The overwhelmingly male and graying list featured 1888 names, half of which were top-level church Read more […]
Mueller Report Fully Exonerates Carson of Office Napping Accusations
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Minutes after news that special prosecutor Robert Mueller had submitted his report, the US Department of Housing and Urban Development held a press briefing to say that HUD Read more […]
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Queer Eye Decides to Make Over Weimar’s Dress Code
WEIMAR, Calif. — The fashionistas on Netflix hit Queer Eye have offered to take on an entirely pro bono project in doing a makeover of Weimar Institute’s dress code. The five grooming gurus Read more […]
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Deacons to Drive Out After-Church Socializers With Whips
ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons across the denomination have been given the authority to drive out confirmed over-socializers with whips if they do not clear the sanctuary within 15 minutes Read more […]
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Sabbath Wading Oversight Committee Makes Splash
SILVER SPRING, Md. — A brand new oversight committee concerned exclusively with Sabbath wading, was announced in the General Conference auditorium this morning. Armed with bulky measuring sticks, Read more […]
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GC Auditorium Transformed Into State-Of-The-Art Echo Chamber
SILVER SPRING, Md. — A massive renovation project has transformed the General Conference auditorium into an echo chamber featuring cutting-edge technology that ensures those inside the hall Read more […]
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ABCs Stop Carrying Old Testament Due to All the Sex, Violence and Drugs
Adventist World — Adventist Book Center outlets will no longer carry copies of the Old Testament due to what the stores call “stratospheric levels of sex, violence and drug abuse contained in Read more […]
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Progressive Press Updates Fundamental Beliefs In “28 Optional Tips” Pamphlet
ADVENTIST WORLD — Happy Clappy Publications has announced the latest in its line of progressive Adventist titles: 28 Optional Tips. The slim, scented pamphlet downgrades each Adventist fundamental Read more […]
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Southern Declares State of Emergency as Marriage Rate Dips
COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Southern Adventist University has declared a State of Emergency after what administration described as a “troubling drop in marriage rates among our students.” The school’s Read more […]
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Game Show Launched: Who Said It – EGW or the Bible?
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Hope Channel has just launched a new trivia game show titled “Who Said It – EGW or the Bible?” The show is an effort to clear up Adventist confusion about the origin of Read more […]
