Adventist liberal passionate about open-mindedness as long as it doesn’t challenge his opinions

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventist Liberal Max Chellin has spent much of today in full-on productivity mode, mouthing off in all caps online about the extreme narrow-mindedness of conservatives Read more […]

GC demands more seating for angels in theater lobbies

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders have written a stern letter to major American theater chains demanding that they dramatically increase the “quantity and quality of theater lobby angel Read more […]

Pacific Press publishes dictionary of vegetarian curse words

NAMPA, Idaho — “Rats,” “shucks,” “poop,” “fiddlesticks, “phooey,” and “son of a Baptist preacher” are just a sampling of the 144,000 church potluck-friendly expletives published in a comprehensive Read more […]

GC organizes Wakanda Union Conference after ‘Black Panther’ screening

SILVER SPRING, Md. — GC administrators have organized the Wakanda Union Conference in a record-breaking 24-hour flurry of bureaucratic activity. The decision to create the new union happened Read more […]

Linguists categorize ‘Adventist’ as its own language

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Linguistic Society of America has recognized ‘Adventist’ as a language unto itself. The organization says that the “astounding amount of jargon in the Adventist denomination Read more […]

Report: Answer to 99% of Children’s Story questions is “Jesus”

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Researchers at Andrews University who have been studying Sabbath morning children’s stories in Adventist churches have come to a shocking conclusion: The answer to 99% Read more […]

FDA recommends haystacks as “most balanced meal in America” (OBG)

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rolled out a new set of recommendations for healthy eating. At the top of its list of recommended meals is what the agency Read more […]