General Conference
GC Announces Heavenly Visa Program
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a surprise press release this morning, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists announced that it will now be the exclusive distributor of visas to...
General Conference
Will Erton Köhler Actually Change the Church? #notsatire
Look, we're all watching. We’ve seen the leadership change at the General Conference, and we've heard all the buzz about a new era. The...
General Conference
Next Pope to be Chosen at GC Session
VATICAN CITY/ST. LOUIS — The General Conference has announced that the next pope will be elected at the upcoming GC Session in St. Louis...
General Conference
Trump Applauds GC for Pioneering Anti-DEI Leadership Long Before it Was Ordered
In a fiery press conference President Donald Trump praised Seventh-day Adventist General Conference (GC) leadership for their “visionary, ahead-of-the-curve rejection of woke DEI nonsense,”...
General Conference
GC Employee Caught Using VPN to Access Independent Adventist Websites
A General Conference employee was caught red-handed using a Virtual Private Network (VPN) to access independent Adventist websites during work hours. The incident has...
General Conference
Beelzebub’s Bulletin
Dear Adventists,
You guys are the best! You’ve come a long way from your annoying beginnings. All this openness to new light from my Adversary...
General Conference
Heaven’s List of Redeemed Under GC Scrutiny
The General Conference has submitted a formal reminder to heaven that GCADCOM needs to review the list of anyone who will be admitted through...
Academic Freedom
Neuralink Places Ted Wilson Chip in All GC Employee Brains To Improve Compliance
Silver Spring, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has taken steps to ensure his vision remains unchallenged by implanting Neuralink chips in the...
General Conference
General Conference to Build Skyscraper HQ to Literally be “Highest Authority on Earth”
Silver Spring, Md. --- In a groundbreaking announcement, the General Conference has revealed plans to construct a towering skyscraper that will serve as the...
Compliance
Noah’s Ark Construction To Take Extra 100 Years After GC Compliance Committee Visit
ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA - Earlier today — just as Noah and his family members were about to put what they assumed were the final touches...
Academic Freedom
GC Commemorates Waco By Reminding Members Not To Question Its Authority
Silver Spring, MD - In commemoration of the 30th anniversary of the Waco tragedy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued a statement...