Contactless Footwashing Coming To An Adventist Church Near You

Showers of blessing… SILVER SPRING, Md. —- When Adventist Churches finally re-open, members can expect to see a slew of changes on Sabbath morning. One of the areas that will never be Read more […]

Shopping In Masks Leads To Increased Wine Sales in Adventist Hotspots

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventists are reportedly thrilled at being able to buy wine locally, by taking advantage of the acceptability of surgical masks while shopping. A Loma Linda liquor Read more […]

Andrews Prophecy Experts Warn Against Predicting Day Or Hour Coronavirus Lockdown Will End

BERRIENS SPRINGS, Mich. — As everyone from President Trump to your Aunt Mildred chimes in with predictions of when coronavirus lockdowns will be lifted, Andrews University prophecy experts are Read more […]

Adventists Split On Whether You Should Dress Up For Online Church

Front row material. ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists are finding it impossible to agree on whether or not we should all be dressing up for streaming church. According to a survey by the Center for Read more […]

You Won’t Be Going To Your Local Cheesecake Factory Any Time Soon. Watch Union College Students Sample Weird And Wonderful Cheesecake Instead.

https://youtu.be/GreZcdTqMDA Thanks to the Union College Communication Program for making us all hungry when nothing’s open😂 [NO QUICK REMINDER] SPONSORED LINKS You’ve had your fix of Read more […]

Local Adventist So Bored He’s Reading Church Manual

It’s come to this… PORTLAND, Ore. — Cabin fever reached a new high today for local Adventist, Booker Powell, who took to social media to complain. Powell told worn-out friends he felt more Read more […]

Florida Hospital Building Extra Wings To Accommodate Post COVID-19 Baby Boom

ORLANDO, Fla. — Florida Hospital is aggressively building out extra maternity wings for what health professionals are predicting will be a “post-COVID-19 baby boom like no other.” The network’s Read more […]