SLIDESHOW: Time Of Trouble Essentials
There’s been a lot of talk about the End Times in Adventist circles lately. We’ve put together a sideshow of some essential items to keep in mind for you preppers out there. Check out our list and Read more […]
Pathfinder Department Bankrupt From All The Jetpack Honor Accident Lawsuits
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SILVER SPRING, Md. — It is with heavy hearts that we announce the bankruptcy of the Pathfinder Department exactly one week after the unfortunate launch of our latest Read more […]
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Adventists: “Raptured” Evangelical Really Just Snatched By Federal Agents
PORTLAND, Ore. — Adventists in the Pacfic Northwest have done their honest part to point out that local Evangelical, Agah Peh, widely assumed to have been raptured yesterday, had simply been snatched Read more […]
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No News Is Good News: It’s Been A While Since Women’s Ordination Has Been In Adventist News So It’s Safe To Assume It’s All Been Solved By Now
Over the last few months, nobody’s been saying much about women’s ordination. We’re guessing that’s because we Adventists have officially worked the whole thing out. Who knew we had it in us Read more […]
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Nobody Celebrating Unbroken Record Of White, Male GC Leadership
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The traditional ivory white sheet cake at the annual gathering of Adventist Heritage Enthusiasts was dispensed with this year due to the difficulty of sharing cake via Read more […]
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Supreme Court Rules Trump Must Produce Tithing Receipts
WASHINGTON, D.C. — US Supreme Court justices have unanimously ruled President Donald Trump needs to come clean on his tithing records. In the decision, justices insisted they want to see Read more […]
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Nashville Residents Just Happy To Be Alive
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — As the clock struck midnight, a van full of residents of Nashville wearily began the drive back to their entirely undamaged city on July 19, happy to greet another day by Read more […]
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Takeaway From Distracted Evangelistic Campaign Attendee: Miller Lites Were Greatly Disappointing In 1844
Image credit: MobiusDaXter – File:Kenworth United Beverage HTS-30D pic5.jpg RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Interviewed immediately after attending an Adventist online evangelistic campaign from his living Read more […]
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ADRA’s Twitter Account Hacked, Promises Free Goats For Retweets
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Social media giant Twitter has vowed to get to the bottom of how the account of the Adventist Development and Relief Agency (ADRA) was hacked earlier today. The Adventist Read more […]
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Dr. Fauci: GC Compliance Committee To Enforce Mask Usage
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Dr. Anthony Stephen Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, has deployed what he called “vegetarian compliance ninjas” to enforce mask Read more […]
