COLLEGEDALE, TN—Local Adventist Gary Hendershot, 47, has officially canceled his gym membership at the Hulsey Wellness Center, citing theological certainty that Jesus will deliver a chiseled six-pack when He returns “any day now.” Hendershot, last seen huffing his way through a Pathfinder fundraiser 5K in 2019, says he’s done with earthly exercise, pinning his fitness hopes on the Second Coming instead.
“Why sweat it out on a treadmill when the King of Kings is about to hand me a glorified body?” Hendershot asked, adjusting his belt over a midsection softened by years of haystack potlucks. “Ellen White said we’re living in the last days, and I’m pretty sure that includes last reps. Heaven’s my personal trainer now.”
Local gym owner Brenda Tate expressed dismay. “Gary used to come in twice a year—once after New Year’s and once after camp meeting guilt. Now he just waves from the parking lot, yelling about his ‘resurrection abs.’”
Hendershot remains unfazed by skeptics who point to Adventist health principles. “Sure, Sister White talked about exercise, but that was before we had Daniel 2 on PowerPoint,” he argued. “Besides, I’m not skipping health—I drink grape juice every quarter. That’s antioxidants, right?” He insists his current physique is just “temporary wrapping” for the heavenly six-pack he’s expecting, possibly as early as next Sabbath if the pastor’s sermon on Matthew 24 is any indication.
At press time, Hendershot was spotted napping through a church picnic, muttering that “resting in Jesus” would burn more calories than chasing his grandkids. “When the trumpet sounds,” he grinned, “I’ll be the fittest guy in the clouds—no burpees required.”
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