Ted Wilson Rejects Twitter for Re-Election Launch After DeSantis Debacle

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Ted Wilson’s re-election campaign for the General Conference presidency confirmed today that be will not be launching his bid on Twitter. “Governor DeSantis had more Read more […]

Wilson Bans Adventists From Using Hoverboards, Says They Facilitate Levitation

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson has a launched a full scale attack on the international hoverboard craze. After colliding with a caffeinated North American Division Read more […]

Re-elected Wilson Changes GC Session Theme Song to “I Shall Not Be Moved”

ST. LOUIS, Mo. — In remarks immediately following news of his re-election to a third term as General Conference President, Ted Wilson changed the 2022 GC Session theme song from “There is Read more […]

Supreme Court Nominee Pressed On Whether Ted Wilson Should Retire

WASHINGTON, D.C — As the confirmation hearings for US Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson raged yesterday, Jackson was shot a curveball question by Senator Noe Existo (R. Calif) who Read more […]

Ted Wilson Warns Adventists Not To Use Zoom Clap Function For Church

SILVER SPRING, Md. —- This morning, General Conference President Ted Wilson reminded Adventists around the world that clapping in church was not allowed, not even on Zoom. “Some of the Read more […]

GC President Inks Endorsement Deal With Wilson Basketballs

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Pledging all proceeds to improving recess time for Adventist elementary school students, General Conference President Ted Wilson accepted a new role today officially endorsing Read more […]

Wilson Sets Up Nominating Committee Of One To Replace Jackson

BFFs SILVER SPRING, Md. — Calling North American Division president Dan Jackson, his “brother from another mother,” General Conference President Ted Wilson acted quickly as Jackson’s official Read more […]

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Admits Ted Wilson Talked Him Into “Pioneer” Beard

PARLIAMENT HILL, Ottawa — The world no longer needs to wonder why Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has started growing a beard. The idea for the facial hair came from General Conference Read more […]

Liberal Shocked Not All Adventist Problems Stem From Ted Wilson

  PASADENA, Calif. — Joe Kajh dropped his freshly-purchased triple shot frappuccino upon learning from a friend that not everything that plagues the Adventist world comes straight from Read more […]