Fundamental Beliefs
Why Be Adventist When There Are So Many Great Churches?
Adventism thrives for the same reason it frustrates: it refuses to simplify God.
Sure, there are amazing churches everywhere. Better music. Smoother systems. Instagram-worthy coffee. But Adventism doesn’t exist to...
Fundamental Beliefs
Heaven’s Most Misunderstood Office Job: The Sanctuary Doctrine
We believe Jesus didn’t float off to heaven in 31 AD and immediately sit down to binge-watch the universe. Instead,...
Fundamental Beliefs
When God Doesn’t Fit in Your 28 Beliefs
You know that moment when you realize the universe might actually be bigger than your Sabbath School quarterly? Yeah, that one.


We Adventists love our...
Fundamental Beliefs
Survey: Adventists Love Nothing More Than Being Right
A newly leaked survey from the Self-Accredited Center for Denominational Self-Esteem reveals a strident trend: nothing brings Adventists more joy than being right—about anything,...
Fundamental Beliefs
California Adventists Replace 28 Fundamentals With Group Hug
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — In a move that’s shocked no one who’s ever met a California Adventist, the state’s famously laid-back believers have ditched...
Fundamental Beliefs
GC Introduces ‘Theological Freeze-Drying’ to Preserve Traditional Beliefs
In a bold move to combat what some see as the erosion of traditional Adventist theology, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has unveiled...
Fundamental Beliefs
Adventist Scholar Convinced Moses Also Got Tablet With 28 Fundamentals
MOUNT SINAI – Adventist scholar Dr. Seymour Scriptura claims Moses not only received the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai but also a separate set...
Fundamental Beliefs
New Fundamental – Raffle No Longer Gambling if Called ‘Opportunity Draw’
"Brethren, after much prayer, we have instituted a new fundamental belief: 'Raffles Are No Longer Gambling if You Call Them "Opportunity Draws,'" announced Ufe...
Catholics
Survey: Most Adventists Don’t Actually Know What They Believe (But They’re Sure Everyone Else is Wrong)
A recent survey conducted among Adventists has revealed a surprising trend: many members of the faith aren't entirely sure about what they believe. Despite...
Fundamental Beliefs
Local Church Discovers Love is More Important Than Actually Knowing Stuff About the Bible
BREAKING NEWS: In a groundbreaking theological discovery, a local Adventist church has unveiled a revolutionary approach to faith: ditch the doctrine, embrace the feels!
Yes,...
Fundamental Beliefs
Potluck Miraculously Solves Adventist Differences
SLURP, Mich. — In a groundbreaking study conducted by the Institute of Adventist Quirks and Quibbles (IAQQ), researchers have found that the vast majority...