Second Coming
Date-Setter Sends Jesus Calendar Invite for Second Coming
Local Adventist date-setter Brother Marvin has reportedly taken prophecy “research” to the next level by sending Jesus a Google Calendar invite for the Second Coming — complete with a...
Second Coming
Is the “Soon Second Coming” a Useful Belief?
I believe that Jesus is coming soon. It’s a conviction that shapes how I see the world, giving purpose to everyday choices. But even...
Second Coming
So… What Does “Soon” Actually Mean, Adventists?
Adventists were saying “Jesus is coming soon” long before there were microwaves, Wi-Fi, or vegan cheese that didn’t taste like despair. But what did...
Second Coming
Should we be telling our children Jesus will come in their lifetime?
My mom did with me, I don't with my kid. Not sure what approach is right...
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Second Coming
Adventist Mathematician Calculates Second Coming Will be “Soonish,” Margin of Error ± 1000 Years
In a groundbreaking paper just published in the Journal of Eschatological Speculation & Snack Table Logistics, Dr. Nathaniel Arkadius, an Adventist mathematician from Southern...
Second Coming
Pastor’s Sermon on “Shortness of Time” Enters Third Hour
Members of Sleep Hollow Adventist congregation found themselves reflecting deeply on the concept of time this Sabbath, as Pastor Harold Jenkins’ sermon on “The...
Second Coming
Loma Linda Adventists Greatly Disappointed: “Cloud the Size of a Hand” Just LA Smog
LOMA LINDA, CA – Excitement swept through the Loma Linda Adventist community yesterday as word spread of a mysterious “cloud the size of a...
Second Coming
5 Reasons Jesus Isn’t Back Yet
As Adventists we are impatient for Jesus to come back. Truth be told, we are embarrassed he hasn’t yet returned. Here are some reasons...
Health Message
Middle-Aged Adventist Skipping Gym, Banking on Six Pack in Heaven Soon
COLLEGEDALE, TN—Local Adventist Gary Hendershot, 47, has officially canceled his gym membership at the Hulsey Wellness Center, citing theological certainty that Jesus will deliver...
Second Coming
Adventist Not Getting Solar Panels Because Jesus Coming Back Before They’ll Pay Off
Local Adventist homeowner Derek Whitmore shocked solar company representatives yesterday when he declined their financing plan for rooftop solar panels, explaining that Jesus would...
Second Coming
Presidential Pardons Causing Major Backlog in Investigative Judgment
In a stunning development that has celestial record-keepers working overtime, sources close to the pearly gates report that an unprecedented wave of presidential pardons...