Southern California Conference to build angel-friendly movie theater

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — In a bid to counter what the it calls the “superficial filth machine” that is Hollywood, the Southern California Conference (SCC) has opened the first “angel-friendly” Read more […]

Walla Walla University to offer arranged marriages to all single students

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — “After years of intense competition, Walla Walla has dealt Southern a death blow,” read an internal Walla Walla University administration memo that was leaked this morning. For Read more […]

A doctor is born to Adventist parents

Dr. John Lamston has got all the gear… ORLANDO, Fla. — May and Shawn Lamston are the proud parents of a beautiful 3-month-old baby boy and they’ve got big plans.  “I knew from the moment Read more […]

29th Fundamental: Vegetarianism no longer optional

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Meat-eating Seventh-day Adventists may soon be a thing of the past. In what analysts describe as a tightening of religious identity, the Adventist Church is contemplating Read more […]

EXPOSED: Most overused pick-up line in Adventism

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — According to an international survey of 10,000 single Seventh-day Adventist women over the age of 21, the most overused pick-up line used by single Adventist men is Read more […]

Adventists named ‘World’s Worst Dancers’

  PARIS, France — Seventh-day Adventists have been officially identified as the World’s Worst Dancers.  The finding comes as a result of a five-year study by a team of sociologists Read more […]

Michigan Conference institutes head coverings for women

LANSING, Mich. — In a move that has caused quite the stir among Midwestern Adventists, the Michigan Conference has enforced a new female dress code in churches across the state. Effective Read more […]

General Conference offices to move to Brazil

In a surprise announcement this morning, the General Conference Communications Department announced that as of this summer all General Conference offices would be moving to Brazil.

Pesky new people wreak havoc on Sister Helda’s church seating designs

TOPEKA, Kan. — For 39 years Sister Helda Emerson hasn’t missed a single Sabbath at her local church. Even more impressively, she has occupied the same seat every week: the left-hand center Read more […]

Adventist church cool with gay people as long as they’re not gay about it

CAPE TOWN, South Africa — Affirmed in our Straighthood, the first-ever Adventist conference on alternative sexualities, was held in mid-March this year.  It was attended by almost 350 delegates Read more […]