Solomon Found Crushed to Death Under Pile of 700 Marriage Yokes

JERUSALEM – In a discovery that has rocked the biblical archaeology world, researchers from Seventh-Dig Adventist University have unearthed startling evidence that appears to solve the mystery Read more […]

Church AV Guy Thinks Neuralink Implants Are Key to Sinless Living

The following is a late-night email our church received from our AV guy, Chad, who is pretty excited: Let’s face it, folks, most of us wouldn’t mind a little less temptation in our lives. That Read more […]

Deacon Calling You “Sister” Has Clearly Forgotten Your Name Again

There you are, minding your own business at church, when Deacon Wilbur approaches with that tight-lipped smile that means he’s about to ask you to do the children’s story. “Happy Sabbath, Sister,” Read more […]

7 Places Adventists Could Use More Cowbell

As the famous Saturday Night Live skit taught us, there’s no such thing as too much cowbell. And as Adventists, we seem to have missed the memo on the gospel truth of more cowbell making everything Read more […]

Old-Timer Prays for Jesus to Return Before Those “Dang Hippie Youngsters” Lead Praise Again

The usually peaceful Polkadot Plains Adventist Church was the scene of mild commotion this Sabbath, as 73-year-old Ethel Rutabaga reportedly delayed potluck with a dramatic prayer for Jesus to Read more […]

Berrien Woman Claims To-Do List Magically Expands on Fridays

BERRIEN COUNTY, MI – For Mildred Tibbles of Berrien County, preparing for the Sabbath has become a weekly battle against an invisible, and some might say, malevolent force: her ever-expanding to-do Read more […]

Annual Council to Vote on Whether Ghanaian or Nigerian Adventists Make the Best Jollof Rice

SILVER SPRING, Md. – In what is shaping up to be the most contentious issue at this year’s Annual Council meetings, delegates from around the world will vote on the decades-old debate of whether Read more […]

Graduates From Adventist College 93% More Likely to Insist Their Kids Earn the Cat Honor

Berrien Springs, Mich. – A new study confirms what many have long suspected – graduates of Adventist colleges and universities are 93% more likely than other Adventist parents to insist their children Read more […]

GC Recognized as Greenest Organization on Planet For Recycling of Old Ideas

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a development not even the most prophetically-gifted saw coming, the General Conference of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has been recognized as a global leader in environmental Read more […]

NAD Declares “Pray For Jon Bon Jovi’s Vocal Cords Day”

SILVER SPRING, MD – The North American Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has declared next Saturday as the first annual “Pray For Jon Bon Jovi’s Vocal Cords Day.” All Adventists across Read more […]