Health Message
Middle-Aged Adventist Skipping Gym, Banking on Six Pack in Heaven Soon
COLLEGEDALE, TN—Local Adventist Gary Hendershot, 47, has officially canceled his gym membership at the Hulsey Wellness Center, citing theological certainty that Jesus will deliver a chiseled six-pack when He...
Health Message
Weimar Campus Security Arrests Salt Smuggler
Campus security at Weimar University made headlines today after apprehending a first-year student attempting to smuggle table salt into the cafeteria during lunch hour....
Health Message
Adventists Everywhere Resolve to Take Up Fasting After Holiday Gluttony
In an unprecedented wave of post-holiday repentance, Adventists worldwide are suddenly discovering a burning passion for fasting that would make Daniel himself proud. The...
Health Message
Loma Linda Researchers Claim Pumpkin Pie ‘Technically a Vegetable’
In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent shockwaves through the Adventist health community, Loma Linda University researchers have declared that pumpkin pie can now...
Adventist Food
Man Who Accidentally Ate Meat on Friday Night Claims He Can Feel His Name Being Erased from Book of Life
In a dramatic turn of events at the Collegedale Corners Adventist Church, local member Brad Thompson claims he can physically feel his name being...
Health Message
Local Adventist Claims Vegetarian Diet Produces ‘Holier Emissions’
Local Adventist health enthusiast, Gus Beanz, has declared that his vegetarian diet produces what he calls "holier emissions."
"It's simple really," Beanz explained, barely containing...
Health Message
GC Bans Chocolate with Coffee or Alcohol, Sends Inspectors to Adventist Homes
Silver Spring, Md. - The General Conference has announced a ban on all chocolate products containing coffee or alcohol, effective immediately. To enforce the...
Health Message
Adventist Can’t Lose Weight No Matter How Many Little Debbie’s He Eats
Local Adventist Caleb Johnson just can't seem to lose those stubborn last 15 pounds no matter how much he eats Adventist-owned Little Debbie snack...
Adventist Food
Gwyneth Paltrow Encourages Ski Accuser To Join Her In Juice Cleanse
After winning a ski crash lawsuit, actress and wellness guru Gwyneth Paltrow is extending an olive branch to her accuser. Paltrow reportedly approached the...
Health Message
Adventist App Shows How Your Body Will Look In Heaven
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — ADVENTBOD, an Adventist startup based on Loma Linda University campus, promises subscribers realistic renderings of how their bodies will look...
Coronavirus
Shopping In Masks Leads To Increased Wine Sales in Adventist Hotspots
LOMA LINDA, Calif. --- Adventists are reportedly thrilled at being able to buy wine locally, by taking advantage of the acceptability of surgical masks...