Adventist paranoia
Beware of Adventist Hijackers
These are the voices in our church who try to rob your peace. They tell you that you are not truly saved unless you follow their rules, meet their...
Legalism
No Perfect People Allowed: Adventism Learns to Relax
Adventists have a reputation. Some say we’re perfectionists. Some say we’re nitpickers. And some of us — let’s be real — are probably guilty...
Legalism
Adventist Rules That Would Make Jesus Say “Wait, What?!”
We Adventists love our rules. Some are so wild, even Jesus—who called out the Pharisees for overkill—might blink and say, “Hold up, what’s this?”...
Legalism
New Church Program: ‘Adopt-a-Backslider’ Pairs Judgmental Members with ‘Project Cases’
In a groundbreaking initiative aimed at boosting church attendance and fostering spiritual growth, the Piety Hills Seventh-day Adventist Church has launched its controversial "Adopt-a-Backslider"...
Legalism
Adventist Runner Disqualified from Marathon for Refusing to Pin on Number, Citing Leviticus
BOSTON, Mass. — An Adventist runner was disqualified from the Boston Marathon this year after refusing to pin his race bib to his shirt,...
Legalism
Marriage On Rocks Due to Clashing Sabbath Dishwashing Beliefs
It all began innocently enough when both Sam and Lily Thompson stumbled into their kitchen and found themselves knee-deep in a festive seven-layered mess...
Legalism
Member Rejecting Cheap Grace Not So Hot on Actual Grace Either
Jeff Larson has revealed that his disdain for "cheap grace" extends far beyond its superficial ease. According to sources close to the piously particular...
Legalism
Local Adventist Congratulates Himself on Not Coveting His Neighbor’s Ox
While exhibiting numerous other spiritual shortcomings on a daily basis, local Adventist Blake Hemsley reportedly patted himself on the back this week for successfully...
Legalism
Why Are Adventists Afraid of God?
Perfect love drives out all fear but for some reason, a lot of us Adventists seem to actually be afraid of God. Not in...
Legalism
Local Legalist Pretty Sure He Can Stop Sinning by Labor Day
Brother Jebediah "Jeb"ediah Finch, a pillar of the Tightly-Laced Tabernacle Seventh-day Adventist Church, is feeling optimistic. No, not about the price of avocados (although,...
Legalism
Old Testament Literalist Pumped About Bringing Back Stoning
A self-professed Bible scholar and occasional Wilderness SDA usher known locally as "Rock-Hurling Randy” is convinced that society has gone astray from its righteous...