Top Adventist pick-up lines revealed
ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist leaders recently ordered a survey of the most effective pick-up lines among young adult church-goers. The top responses are listed below: 17. Let’s go read how Read more […]
GC abandons nuclear option
BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has decided to pull the plug on “the nuclear option” of taking over and disbanding unions that are in favor of women’s ordination. Read more […]
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Struggling Barnes & Noble to stock veggie meat and Ellen White books
USA — Struggling bookstore giant Barnes & Noble has announced a bold turnaround plan that it is hoped will inject new life into its tired financial statements. As of next month, the DVD Read more […]
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Postum Addicts Anonymous Holds Inaugural Meeting at GC
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Hundreds of General Conference officials streamed into the inaugural meeting of the newly-formed Postum Addicts Anonymous this morning. “There’s no shame in admitting Read more […]
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Boy Scouts Accept Girls, Join Pathfinders
IRVING, Texas — Amidst widespread praise of their recent decision to admit girls into their organization, the Boy Scouts of America have announced plans to further revolutionize their Read more […]
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Contoversial lawsuit rages over rights to church pew
COLLEGEDALE, Tenn.— Tensions are running at an all-time high at Strident Lane Adventist Church as a lawsuit over the disputed rights to a popular church pew, comes to a boil. At the center Read more […]
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Male Ordination Pathfinder honor launched
SILVER SPRING, Md. — A brand new Pathfinder honor titled Male Ordination was launched recently as part of a GC effort to “make rigged votes stick.” Pathfinders who wish to earn the new honor Read more […]
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Adventist honeymooners confused about cleaving
Bahamas — Faithful to Biblical guidance to leave their teary-eyed parents the minute their wedding cake was cut, Adventist honeymooners Cass and Sado Porfin made a beeline for their Bahamian Read more […]
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Pacific Press publishes dictionary of vegetarian curse words
NAMPA, Idaho — “Rats,” “shucks,” “poop,” “fiddlesticks, “phooey,” and “son of a Baptist preacher” are just a sampling of the 144,000 church potluck-friendly expletives published in a comprehensive Read more […]
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Walking Dead writers confess to lifting plot twists from End Times-themed Sabbath School Quarterly
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Writers for hit post-apocalyptic television series The Walking Dead have confessed to devouring this quarter’s Adventist Sabbath School Lesson on the End Times in search Read more […]
