Trump
Trump Vows Never to Put Tariffs on Adventists Because Ben Carson
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new economic promise announced today, former President Donald Trump vowed he would never impose tariffs on Adventists—because Ben Carson is one.
“I have tremendous...
Trump
Trump Announces “Very Peaceful” Invasion of Pitcairn Island After Discovering It Keeps the Sabbath
PITCAIRN ISLAND (Somewhere Near Revelation 14) —
U.S. President Donald J. Trump announced Tuesday that the United States “has no choice” but to take control...
Trump
GC Calls for Ceasefire in Trump-Musk Spat: “It’s a Separation, Not a Divorce!”
Silver Spring, MD – The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has officially intervened in the escalating public squabble between President Donald Trump and tech...
Trump
Tariff-Induced Market Crash Leaves Adventists Banking on Eternity
SILVER SPRING, MD — A record number of Seventh-day Adventists are proclaiming that their true riches are in heaven following a catastrophic crash in...
Trump
Trump Pulls U.S. Out of General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unexpected executive order signed this morning, President Donald Trump announced that the United States is officially withdrawing from the...
Trump
DOGE Disbands Every Adventist Committee
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a shocking turn of events, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), spearheaded by Elon Musk, has turned its sights...
Trump
GC Warns Adventists Not to Bring Sermon Feedback Signs to Church Like House Democrats
Silver Spring, MD – The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued an emergency memo to members worldwide, pleading with them not to emulate...
Trump
Trump Commands World to Worship Golden Gaza Statue
WASHINGTON DC. — Adventists are abuzz after Donald Trump’s latest AI-generated video unveiled a towering golden statue of himself in a glitzy, reimagined Gaza...
General Conference
Trump Applauds GC for Pioneering Anti-DEI Leadership Long Before it Was Ordered
In a fiery press conference President Donald Trump praised Seventh-day Adventist General Conference (GC) leadership for their “visionary, ahead-of-the-curve rejection of woke DEI nonsense,”...
Trump
Trump Vows To Cause Second Coming During First 90 Days in Office
In a shocking announcement from the Oval Office that has left Adventist theologians and political analysts alike in a state of bewilderment, President Donald...
Trump
Trump Signs Executive Order Recognizing Only Fritos As Acceptable Haystacks Chips
In a move that has sent shockwaves through Adventist potlucks across the nation, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order declaring Fritos as...