Monday, April 21, 2025
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North American Division

New Union Created for Anti-Vaxxers: NAD Announces PureBlood Union Conference

COLUMBIA, Md. – In a move that has raised eyebrows and lowered vaccination rates, the North American Division (NAD) of Seventh-day Adventists has unveiled the creation of the “PureBlood...
Trump

Tariff-Induced Market Crash Leaves Adventists Banking on Eternity

SILVER SPRING, MD — A record number of Seventh-day Adventists are proclaiming that their true riches are in heaven following a catastrophic crash in retirement funds triggered by President...
Stewardship

Offering Canceled Because Nobody Carries Cash

Pastor Bill Fleece of the Everhope Seventh-day Adventist Church announced this Sabbath that the traditional offering collection would be canceled indefinitely. The reason? “Nobody has cash anymore,” Fleece lamented from the...
Andrews University

Students Stage Overnight Cow Coup at Andrews University

In a stunning reversal of Andrews University’s 2019 decision to ditch its iconic dairy herd, a rogue band of Gen Z students has unleashed...
Trump

GC Warns Adventists Not to Bring Sermon Feedback Signs to Church Like House Democrats

Silver Spring, MD – The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued an emergency memo to members worldwide, pleading with them not to emulate...
Sabbath

9 Ways We’ve Made the Sabbath More Stressful Than Tuesday  

What began as a divine invitation to rest can now resembles a spiritual decathlon—complete with potluck rivalries, sermon analytics, and Sabbath school showdowns. In...
Remnant Complex

9 Things Adventists Get Wrong

Even a movement rooted in truth has blind spots. Here’s where Adventism might be missing the mark. 1. Vegan Diets as Holiness Metrics ...

Adventist Culture

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Trump Applauds GC for Pioneering Anti-DEI Leadership Long Before it Was Ordered

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In a fiery press conference President Donald Trump praised...

Adventist School Bans Rainbows in Science Class to Avoid ‘Unintended Theological Statements’

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Covenant Hills Adventist Academy has officially banned the display,...

GC Transfers Greenland to North American Division: ‘Better Safe Than Sorry’

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The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced the...

Presidential Pardons Causing Major Backlog in Investigative Judgment

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In a stunning development that has celestial record-keepers working...

Adventist Food

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Trump Vows To Cause Second Coming During First 90 Days in Office

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In a shocking announcement from the Oval Office that...

Trump Signs Executive Order Recognizing Only Fritos As Acceptable Haystacks Chips

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In a move that has sent shockwaves through Adventist...

Love at First Sight or Last Resort? A Quiz for Adventist Singles

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This quiz promises to reveal whether your Adventist romance...

A Used Pathfinder Sash, and Other Presents for Adventists with Inconvenient January Birthdays

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Wallet still recovering from Christmas? Fear not! Here's a...

Sabbath Observance

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Adventist Rules That Would Make Jesus Say “Wait, What?!”

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We Adventists love our rules. Some are so wild,...

California Adventists Replace 28 Fundamentals With Group Hug

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LOS ANGELES, Calif. — In a move that’s shocked...

Adventist Grandma Insists She Is “Woke” Due to Trusty Alarm Clock

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Local Adventist grandmother, Edna Pritchard, 87, proudly declared herself...

DOGE Disbands Every Adventist Committee

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a shocking turn of...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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