Monday, July 14, 2025
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Erton Köhler

GC Announces Portuguese as Official Language of Heaven, Effective Immediately

SILVER SPRING, MD — In a development that has left translators scrambling and English Sabbath School teachers nervously clutching their lesson quarterlies, the General Conference (GC) announced today that...
Uncategorized

GC President Selection to be Confirmed Via Smoke Signals

The General Conference announced that the selection of its next president will be confirmed through traditional smoke signals emanating from the America's Center Convention Complex in St. Louis during...
Marriage

Marriage Ceremony Delayed—Bride’s Ex-Husband Still to Issue Official Adultery Notification

In a development that has left the entire church board on the edge of their folding chairs, the much-anticipated remarriage of Sister Abigail was postponed this Sabbath after her ex-husband, Brother...
Ted Wilson

Wilson Confirms Retirement, Promises Not to Manipulate GC Session Nominating Committee

SILVER SPRING, MD — General Conference President Ted Wilson officially confirmed his retirement this week, vowing to “step back and let the Spirit lead”...
Big Franks

Wilson Blames Bankruptcy of Loma Linda Foods on The Shaking

In a statement released from his office surrounded by a curated selection of unopened Loma Linda Big Franks cans, GC President Ted Wilson addressed...
Catholics

GC Warns First American Pope to Move Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday so Adventists Can’t Watch

The General Conference has warned that Pope Leo XIV, the first American pope, is allegedly plotting to shift Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday as...
Second Coming

Loma Linda Adventists Greatly Disappointed: “Cloud the Size of a Hand” Just LA Smog

LOMA LINDA, CA – Excitement swept through the Loma Linda Adventist community yesterday as word spread of a mysterious “cloud the size of a...

Adventist Culture

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Middle-Aged Adventist Skipping Gym, Banking on Six Pack in Heaven Soon

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COLLEGEDALE, TN—Local Adventist Gary Hendershot, 47, has officially canceled...

White House in Hot Water After War Plans Leak Via Adventist Prayer Group

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Washington, D.C. – The Trump administration is neck-deep in...

Adventist Nutritionists Solve Egg Shortage by Not Caring About Eggs

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With egg prices soaring Adventist nutritionists across the denomination...

Trump Pulls U.S. Out of General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unexpected executive order signed...

Adventist Food

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California Adventists Replace 28 Fundamentals With Group Hug

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LOS ANGELES, Calif. — In a move that’s shocked...

Adventist Grandma Insists She Is “Woke” Due to Trusty Alarm Clock

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Local Adventist grandmother, Edna Pritchard, 87, proudly declared herself...

DOGE Disbands Every Adventist Committee

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a shocking turn of...

Offering Canceled Because Nobody Carries Cash

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Pastor Bill Fleece of the Everhope Seventh-day Adventist Church...

Sabbath Observance

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Doug Batchelor Deported from Israel After Attempting to Deliver End-Times Charts to Gaza

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TEL AVIV — Israeli authorities deported Amazing Facts president...

Hot Adventist Excels at Missionary Dating

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SPLASH, FL — Unimpressed with the available singles at...

GC Calls for Ceasefire in Trump-Musk Spat: “It’s a Separation, Not a Divorce!”

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Silver Spring, MD – The General Conference of Seventh-day...

Pastor Reminds Flock: “God Loves a Cheerful Giver — But We’ll Settle for a Terrified One”

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Cheapend, ENGLAND — In a stirring Sabbath morning appeal...

BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog focused on Adventist culture and issues. Written by committed Adventists, the goal is to foster growth within the faith community through lighthearted conversation and humor, avoiding soapboxing or angry rants. The blog is not officially endorsed by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

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