Loma Linda 112-year-old starts TarryNot dating site for centenarian Adventists

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Recognizing the big bucks to be made in ultra-niche online dating dating sites, Loma Linda centenarian Edith Greenely has taken a break from her day job of self-defense Read more […]

Ted Wilson to fight Manny Pacquiao for ADRA fundraising event

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first event of its kind, Ted Wilson, president of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, will fight boxing superstar and Filipino congressman Manny Pacquaio in Manila. Read more […]

GC allows Adventists to see ‘nature video’ Finding Dory in theaters

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a special dispensation for fans desperate to see Pixar’s new release, Finding Dory, General Conference officials have opted to allow Seventh-day Adventists to see the Read more […]

Haystacks revealed as reason Seventh-day Adventists live longer

BALTIMORE, Md. — A study into the secrets of longevity among Seventh-day Adventists has at last revealed the reason they often live 10 years longer than the average American. The secret appears Read more […]

MTV relaunches ‘Cribs’ with tour of Southern Asia-Pacific Division of Seventh-day Adventists

NEW YORK, N.Y. — MTV has announced plans to relaunch “Cribs,” the much-loved show which flaunted the incredible residences of rich celebrities. The first new episode will feature a building Read more […]

Adventist with zero spiritual gifts banished to potluck dishwashing duty

CHICO, Calif. — Sondage Mauvais of Chico Seventh-day Adventist Church was notified this week that due to the horrible scores on his spiritual gifts test, he has been assigned to doing the dishes Read more […]

Adventist’s attempts at seducing wife with Song of Solomon end with night on couch

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — An Adventist husband, who declined to be named, expressed disappointment that describing his wife’s teeth as “a flock of shorn sheep” and her breasts as “two baby deer,” Read more […]

Hot Mug Shot Guy to attend PUC on full-ride scholarship

ANGWIN, Calif. — ‘Hot Mug Shot Guy’ Jeremy Meeks is out of prison and starting afresh as a newly-enrolled student at Pacific Union College. Meeks accepted a full-ride scholarship to the Northern Read more […]