Adventist translation of Bible to omit ‘awkward parts’

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist scholars have embarked on what promises to be a challenging creative endeavor: publishing the first Adventist translation of the Bible. In contrast with Adventist Read more […]

Ted Wilson disfellowships Adventist mafia members

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Taking his cue from the recent move by Pope Francis to excommunicate Italian Mafia members, General Conference President Ted Wilson made a sweeping announcement today Read more […]

Trapdoor disposes of visiting Pioneer Memorial Church speaker

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Bored yawns turned to mild terror followed by unrestrained rejoicing at Andrews University’s Pioneer Memorial Church (PMC) this Sabbath as a visiting preacher was Read more […]

3ABN unveils Sabbath-appropriate 4th of July sparklers

WEST FRANKFORT, Ill. — Due to the fact that this year’s 4th of July celebrations take place on a Friday night, the Three Angels Broadcasting Network (3ABN) has been running hourly announcements Read more […]

Southern to send all slackers as student missionaries

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Southern Adventist University unveiled bold plans to send all of their confirmed “slacker” students oversees for year-long mission assignments. Lazy students have been Read more […]

Adventism wins ‘Demanding Denomination of the Year’ title as Annual Review is introduced

Christianity Today’s annual listing of Most Demanding Christian Denominations was published today with the Seventh-day Adventist Church listed as the undisputed winner. Always in the top 5 Read more […]

Georgia Cumberland Academy debuts gentle tasers for bad students

CALHOUN, Ga. — Staff at Georgia Cumberland Academy (GCA) have tested a stunningly effective disciplinary tool. “Gentle Tasers” provide what GCA administration described as “a cautionary jolt” Read more […]

North American Division led staff in all-day World Cup prayer session for Team USA

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The North American Division held an all-day prayer vigil for Team USA ahead of their crucial July 1 soccer World Cup game against Belgium. The entire second floor Read more […]

Adventist Book Centers to start stocking real meat

Adventist Book Center (ABC) outlets around the world have made the controversial decision to start selling animal meat as a result of a new study released this month by Loma Linda University-based Read more […]

Southwestern to accept only registered Republicans as students

KEANE, Texas — The Office of Admissions at Southwestern Adventist University has announced that new students for the 2014-2015 academic year will be required to register with the Republican Read more […]